ok, it's confirmed. i am pregnant, the third time this time, carrying hopefully my 4th child (not 4th AND 5th, please.....).
the first two weeks after that confirmation, i had terrible time. cannot eat. trouble sleeping. no energy whatsoever. throwing up 11 times a day. hated everything. shunned myself in my room. cannot stand the smell of food / cooking. cannot stand the smell of my children.
on one of the worst days, i ate only 3 biskuits, drank less than 250ml of liquid. what i put it would be thrown out again. to the bile. painful.
these past two days have seen improvement. eating a bit more, puking less, got more energy, even braved myself to go to the foodcourt and ate ketoprak today. major step! and am enjoying chocolate sundae now.
oh, the travel home from office is still a daunting task, though. i keep my head low as to not see the traffic, breathing slowly to regulate my mind and body. that, or i would puke all the way. i'd throw up once arriving at home, though. after that, cleopatra pose. reclining / lying down on my bed, door closed, window open. armed with a can of green apple room freshener to vend off suspicious odors.
life is beautiful, friend. never ceases to be.
Friday, November 26
memory flooding
last night, as i was trying to sleep, my mind was flooded with images and sensations of places i've been to. pictures, sounds, smells, presented like a mad slide projector show:
toffee and butterscotch vendor in windsor behind glass with red wrought-iron railings, the lady selling old wooden print blocks in front of it, ice cream on the bank of that river in nyhaven - copenhagen with ki, the old man in the windsor station - amazed at our 'origin', the stairs down in montmarte - paris, dark tulips in malmoe, chicken noodle soup in breda, THE best kebab ever in east berlin after the spring rain with wet tables, the chinese restaurant in harley / surrey (?), brighton by the sea, english tea and scones and butter biskuits, that kissing couple in the train stop outside amsterdam, cycling in amsterdam, the smell of french fries and mayonaise....
spring wind on my cheeks, numbing my fingers. drizzles on my hair, on the tip of my eyelashes
the poster shop in kalvestraat amsterdam, dirty alleys and sex shops outside copenhagen train station, the ferry ride to german, candy shop in rome - small but magnificently covered with all sorts of candies, smell of capuccino brewing in the morning and a friendly buon-giorno, a box of strawberries on sale just before close of market day, la luna night park, shrimp in fiumicino - smell of sea i hated.
sweet and sour noodle in check point charlie, blue-lighted toilette upstair on the nordsea restaurant in a'dam, hamburger in malmoe park bench, mossy ground and chill in one's of malmoe's park, strong wind on the hill just outside london - swaying the tall grass making waves
spring, life, chills, people.....foreign languanges....blue sky...soft rain...
toffee and butterscotch vendor in windsor behind glass with red wrought-iron railings, the lady selling old wooden print blocks in front of it, ice cream on the bank of that river in nyhaven - copenhagen with ki, the old man in the windsor station - amazed at our 'origin', the stairs down in montmarte - paris, dark tulips in malmoe, chicken noodle soup in breda, THE best kebab ever in east berlin after the spring rain with wet tables, the chinese restaurant in harley / surrey (?), brighton by the sea, english tea and scones and butter biskuits, that kissing couple in the train stop outside amsterdam, cycling in amsterdam, the smell of french fries and mayonaise....
spring wind on my cheeks, numbing my fingers. drizzles on my hair, on the tip of my eyelashes
the poster shop in kalvestraat amsterdam, dirty alleys and sex shops outside copenhagen train station, the ferry ride to german, candy shop in rome - small but magnificently covered with all sorts of candies, smell of capuccino brewing in the morning and a friendly buon-giorno, a box of strawberries on sale just before close of market day, la luna night park, shrimp in fiumicino - smell of sea i hated.
sweet and sour noodle in check point charlie, blue-lighted toilette upstair on the nordsea restaurant in a'dam, hamburger in malmoe park bench, mossy ground and chill in one's of malmoe's park, strong wind on the hill just outside london - swaying the tall grass making waves
spring, life, chills, people.....foreign languanges....blue sky...soft rain...
puke
eyes closed
trying to calm
the acid storm
brewing in my stomach
convulsions
shooting out biles
what i've had today
wasted
in the puke bin
trying to calm
the acid storm
brewing in my stomach
convulsions
shooting out biles
what i've had today
wasted
in the puke bin
raindrops
alone in my room
looking out the window
at raindrops falling on the leaves
making them dancing
looking out the window
at raindrops falling on the leaves
making them dancing
Wednesday, November 10
Wicked mother, am I?
I left two wailing children today, my twins not letting me go to the office. They are ill.
Today is my last day before the holiday, and I just have to meet lots of people today (suppliers and the like). Not to mention my un-thicked items in the To-Do-List.
So which one to choose? Am at the office now, so you know which one. I left my husband at home.
I've been having two-weeks lebaran leave since the birth of my eldest seven years ago. Even unpaid ones. This year I cannot cause there are so much to do at the office. Or are there, really?
Wicked mother, am I?
Today is my last day before the holiday, and I just have to meet lots of people today (suppliers and the like). Not to mention my un-thicked items in the To-Do-List.
So which one to choose? Am at the office now, so you know which one. I left my husband at home.
I've been having two-weeks lebaran leave since the birth of my eldest seven years ago. Even unpaid ones. This year I cannot cause there are so much to do at the office. Or are there, really?
Wicked mother, am I?
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