It was nearing 10 pm, my eyes were getting heavy, sound started to drone, and I was nearing the state of oblivion. Yet, a constant but random interruption occurred. It came from my foremost clients: the twins.
Hasna, lying on my left, was asking for a back rub. And what a back rub it was! She kept saying a little to the top, not there, a bit down…., no – no – no, rather to the side. I wonder how she could’ve had so many points on her small back that itched.
Rania, the one on my right, kept asking for me to gently tap her. Then she asked also for a back rub. Then she changed again for a butt tap. Then she asked for water. Then she asked for her big pillow. Then she asked me to take the big pillow. Then she asked again for her big pillow to hug on. Then..then…then…
And I was losing my calm. It’s a nightly battle, this one. Trying to keep up with the clients’ need while keeping my patience (which I have very little of to start with). Oh, it is such a laugh to discuss it in the following morning. But at the very moment, it was nothing funny. I was tired, and having my descend to slumber aborted with such demands was simply maddening.
Sometimes, my clients came up with such original demand. Once, Rania wanted to wash her face – at 1 AM in the morning! Other time, having missed her afternoon nap and went too early to bed, she woke up at 2 AM and asked to go out to watch teve. Pretty funny indeed.
Thursday, September 30
Ha pum pum and Silly Melon Head
I’ve read them stories, sang Danny Boy + Edelweiss + Bulan di Langit to them, and exchanged I-Love-You. Then my eldest said to me: “Ha pum pum, mommy”. I replied in an instant: “Ha pum pum to you, too, Biya”. My twins caught on, and soon we were exchanging “Ha pum pum”.
There’s a lot of ways to say I-Love-You, and my kid just created a new one.
But then, she added, “Ha pum pum to you, Silly Melon Head Mommy.” She’s been saying that SMH for days now. I didn’t have a slightest idea what they meant and where she got it. So I asked. Turned out she watched a Sagwa the Siamese Cat episode where Sagwa’s father once put a hollowed-water melon on his head, hence the Silly Melon Head.
Well, a lot of ha pum pum to you, my little Silly Melon Head.
There’s a lot of ways to say I-Love-You, and my kid just created a new one.
But then, she added, “Ha pum pum to you, Silly Melon Head Mommy.” She’s been saying that SMH for days now. I didn’t have a slightest idea what they meant and where she got it. So I asked. Turned out she watched a Sagwa the Siamese Cat episode where Sagwa’s father once put a hollowed-water melon on his head, hence the Silly Melon Head.
Well, a lot of ha pum pum to you, my little Silly Melon Head.
Wednesday, September 29
One plus one equals ??
In the game of assumption, the simple answer to the question “how much is one plus one” would not be the correct one.
One plus one equals two would be too simple, too straightforward and therefore not worthy of discussion or gossiping.
To the imaginative and unlimited mind, there are myriad of choices of answer to the question. It may be fifteen, it may be just four, and it may be twelve, but never two.
A simple checking, or confirming, would reveal the correct answer. But alas, sometimes the truth is not what we sought. It is more fun to construct truth, and believing the lies we build it upon.
Dear friends, one plus one equals two. Not less, not more.
One plus one equals two would be too simple, too straightforward and therefore not worthy of discussion or gossiping.
To the imaginative and unlimited mind, there are myriad of choices of answer to the question. It may be fifteen, it may be just four, and it may be twelve, but never two.
A simple checking, or confirming, would reveal the correct answer. But alas, sometimes the truth is not what we sought. It is more fun to construct truth, and believing the lies we build it upon.
Dear friends, one plus one equals two. Not less, not more.
The Almighty
God is Almighty.
Tuhan bersifat Maha. Ketika Ia Maha Pengampun, Ia juga bisa menjadi Maha Pemarah. Tuhan yang Maha Baik, juga Maha Kejam. Ke-Maha-anNya tidak terbatas. Dan Ia bisa berada di titik terekstrem dari segalanya yang terang dan dari segalanya yang gelap.
Hanya ada satu Tuhan. Dan Ia menguasai semua apa yang ada di dunia. Dengan sifatnya yang Maha, maka ia melingkupi juga titik-titk terekstrem dari sifat-sifat yanga ada di dunia.
Seperti juga Tuhan ada pada setiap keindahan di dunia, Ia juga ada pada setiap bencana dahsyat yang menghancurkan.
Setidaknya begitulah apa yang dapat kutangkap dari apa yang suamiku sampaikan.
Bagiku, aku cukup berterima kasih pada Tuhan atas SEGALA rasa yang aku rasakan: senang – susah, gembira – sedih, joy – sorrow, happiness – despair, kemarahan – cinta, kebencian - kasih. Aku tidak bisa merasakan hal yang satu tanpa tahu hal yang lainnya.
I thank Thee, oh God, for every second of my life, for every sensation I feel, for every emotion You evoke in me. I thank Thee, oh God, for every single thing in this life.
Tuhan bersifat Maha. Ketika Ia Maha Pengampun, Ia juga bisa menjadi Maha Pemarah. Tuhan yang Maha Baik, juga Maha Kejam. Ke-Maha-anNya tidak terbatas. Dan Ia bisa berada di titik terekstrem dari segalanya yang terang dan dari segalanya yang gelap.
Hanya ada satu Tuhan. Dan Ia menguasai semua apa yang ada di dunia. Dengan sifatnya yang Maha, maka ia melingkupi juga titik-titk terekstrem dari sifat-sifat yanga ada di dunia.
Seperti juga Tuhan ada pada setiap keindahan di dunia, Ia juga ada pada setiap bencana dahsyat yang menghancurkan.
Setidaknya begitulah apa yang dapat kutangkap dari apa yang suamiku sampaikan.
Bagiku, aku cukup berterima kasih pada Tuhan atas SEGALA rasa yang aku rasakan: senang – susah, gembira – sedih, joy – sorrow, happiness – despair, kemarahan – cinta, kebencian - kasih. Aku tidak bisa merasakan hal yang satu tanpa tahu hal yang lainnya.
I thank Thee, oh God, for every second of my life, for every sensation I feel, for every emotion You evoke in me. I thank Thee, oh God, for every single thing in this life.
Tuesday, September 28
Tentang amarah
Harus ditaruh di mana amarahku
Berkobar-kobar
Mukaku memerah
Jiwaku bersemangat
Darah mengalir cepat
Jantung berdetak
Dan aku lupa diri
Menjadi amat tolol
Malu pada diri sendiri
Berkobar-kobar
Mukaku memerah
Jiwaku bersemangat
Darah mengalir cepat
Jantung berdetak
Dan aku lupa diri
Menjadi amat tolol
Malu pada diri sendiri
Tentang kebencian
Aku pernah merasakan benci
Yang merasuki hatiku
Bagai tinta hitam yang merambat
Pelan-pelan di kertas
Yang putih
Aku pernah merasakan benci
Hingga hilang warna-warni
Hanya ada kepekatan
Mengental
Aku pernah merasakan benci
Yang tidak ingin kuulang lagi
Yang merasuki hatiku
Bagai tinta hitam yang merambat
Pelan-pelan di kertas
Yang putih
Aku pernah merasakan benci
Hingga hilang warna-warni
Hanya ada kepekatan
Mengental
Aku pernah merasakan benci
Yang tidak ingin kuulang lagi
Friday, September 24
Song Lyrics
It was already ten past nine, and they definitely should have closed their eyes and gone to Slumberland. Yet, here they were, with me, in single bed, singing and writing song lyrics. My 7-year-old sang, I jot down the words on her small white board, and my 3-year-old followed on with ‘banging’ her head. It was “Numb”, one of those loud pieces from Linkin’ Park.
Welcome to today’s motherhood.
Being a mom means keeping in reality check on what my kids are listening, watching, etc. So Linkin’ Park it is. Thanks to my big bro who religiously plays the tunes like, every other day or so.
But okay, time to cool off. So we went with another song, this time, a sentimental classic: Edelweiss. After that, 3-minute stretching and exchanges of good-night’s and I-love-you’s. Sleep well, sweet dream. And soon reality vanished.
Welcome to today’s motherhood.
Being a mom means keeping in reality check on what my kids are listening, watching, etc. So Linkin’ Park it is. Thanks to my big bro who religiously plays the tunes like, every other day or so.
But okay, time to cool off. So we went with another song, this time, a sentimental classic: Edelweiss. After that, 3-minute stretching and exchanges of good-night’s and I-love-you’s. Sleep well, sweet dream. And soon reality vanished.
Tuesday, September 21
life is
That's life. Everything in it is for keep. Everything.
Takuan (Mushashi by Eiji Yoshikawa)
So, what's done cannot be undone. All the things you've done are there and cannot be repeated or cancelled. Every single thing. Whether you remember or not. Whether you did it on purpose or not. Whether it brought you happiness or sorrow, whether it caused joy or pain to others you've had contact with.
All is there. Not one can be erased. You'd die with them. With everything you've done in your life.
Takuan (Mushashi by Eiji Yoshikawa)
So, what's done cannot be undone. All the things you've done are there and cannot be repeated or cancelled. Every single thing. Whether you remember or not. Whether you did it on purpose or not. Whether it brought you happiness or sorrow, whether it caused joy or pain to others you've had contact with.
All is there. Not one can be erased. You'd die with them. With everything you've done in your life.
Friday, September 17
snapped!!!
pencil snapped, emotion goes free
no limits, no boundaries
i just screamed
and really had it
to my dismay
and to my regret
no limits, no boundaries
i just screamed
and really had it
to my dismay
and to my regret
Thursday, September 16
To choose or not to choose
My father, bless him and the Orde Baru education, once said over dinner that 'we must choose, or don't stay here in Indonesia. We must make our choice.' To him, chosing a presidential candidate on the election is an obligation, not a right.
With presidential election only 3 days to go, and with my favorite candidate already ousted in the previous round, I rather not choose. Well, to not choose is also a choice, isn't it? Besides, it's our RIGHT, and not using our right is a right in itself. Got it?
Anyway, how I am going to exercise my right is still open to aternatives: should I back out entirely and join the elite "golput", should I come to the election booth but the leave the paper blank or should I make a non-valid vote? Still 3 days to ponder.
Long Live Indonesia, with all its shortcomings. Hope whoever got the throne knows what to do to make this country worth living.
Amen!
With presidential election only 3 days to go, and with my favorite candidate already ousted in the previous round, I rather not choose. Well, to not choose is also a choice, isn't it? Besides, it's our RIGHT, and not using our right is a right in itself. Got it?
Anyway, how I am going to exercise my right is still open to aternatives: should I back out entirely and join the elite "golput", should I come to the election booth but the leave the paper blank or should I make a non-valid vote? Still 3 days to ponder.
Long Live Indonesia, with all its shortcomings. Hope whoever got the throne knows what to do to make this country worth living.
Amen!
Wednesday, September 15
Senyum
Apa yang terkandung dalam sebuah senyuman? Bisa banyak, bisa sedikit.
Senyum bisa berarti sekedar pelayanan. Seorang pemeriksa barang dan satpam di bank akan selalu tersenyum pada setiap tamu yang ia hadapi. Itu sudah merupakan sebagian dari pekerjaannya. Seorang teller juga akan tersenyum, itu juga sudah merupakan bagian dari kewajibannya. Dan saya juga akan tersenyum kembali pada mereka, karena itu bagian sopan santun saya sebagai sesama manusia.
Senyum bisa menggantikan kata "terima kasih". Pada seseorang yang memberikan saya tempat duduk di bus, jika keadaan terlalu hiruk pikuk untuk berkata-kata, saya akan memastikan bahwa ia melihat senyum saya, dan tahu bahwa saya berterima kasih padanya. Dan lagi-lagi, itu juga merupakan bagian dari sopan santun kan?
Setiap kali tersenyum, saya mengusahakan agar itu datang dari hati, betapapun untuk hal yang sepele.
Kadang saya tersenyum untuk diri sendiri, karena saya pikir itu bisa membuat saya terlihat lebih ramah dan bersahabat buat orang lain. Saya punya kecenderungan untuk berwajah cemberut pada saat saya diam dan terlebih pada saat saya berpikir. Dan saya harus terus-menerus mengingatkan diri saya sendiri untuk mengendurkan wajah saya dan tersenyum.
Senyum anak-anak saya merupakan senyum paling asli. Anak-anak tersenym karena mereka tersenyum. Karena memang maunya tersenyum. Bukan untuk menampilkan image, bukan karena tuntutan pekerjaan, dan bukan karena aturan sopan santun.
Tapi apa pun alasan yang dipakai orang untuk tersenyum, ekspresi yang satu ini rasanya memang jauh lebih menyenangkan untuk didapat daripada ekspresi-ekspresi lainnya.
Ketika sedang sedih, sedang bermasalah, soerang sahabat yang mengusap lembut pundakmu sambil tersenyum bisa menghilangkan sebagian rasa sakit yang kamu derita.
Ketika habis melakukan kesalahan, dan kamu menerima senyuman dari orang yang barusan marah-marah atas ketololan kamu, senyuman itu jadi luar biasa rasanya.
Ketika kata-kata tak lagi mampu menyampaikan makna yang dibentuk di benakmu, tatapan mata ke mata dan sebuah senyuman bisa sangat berarti. Ia menggantikan percakapan yang tak bisa tersampaikan, ia menggantikan perasaaan-perasaan yang ditekan, dan ia juga memberi kesempatan untuk berkomunikasi dalam diam. (Entah apakah maksud dari masing-masing pihak dapat diterima dengan jelas oleh pihak lainnya. Bahkan saat berkata-katapun orang bisa saling tidak mengerti.)
Tersenyumlah, dan dunia akan tersenyum bersamamu.
Hidupku terlalu indah untuk tidak dinikmati
Senyum bisa berarti sekedar pelayanan. Seorang pemeriksa barang dan satpam di bank akan selalu tersenyum pada setiap tamu yang ia hadapi. Itu sudah merupakan sebagian dari pekerjaannya. Seorang teller juga akan tersenyum, itu juga sudah merupakan bagian dari kewajibannya. Dan saya juga akan tersenyum kembali pada mereka, karena itu bagian sopan santun saya sebagai sesama manusia.
Senyum bisa menggantikan kata "terima kasih". Pada seseorang yang memberikan saya tempat duduk di bus, jika keadaan terlalu hiruk pikuk untuk berkata-kata, saya akan memastikan bahwa ia melihat senyum saya, dan tahu bahwa saya berterima kasih padanya. Dan lagi-lagi, itu juga merupakan bagian dari sopan santun kan?
Setiap kali tersenyum, saya mengusahakan agar itu datang dari hati, betapapun untuk hal yang sepele.
Kadang saya tersenyum untuk diri sendiri, karena saya pikir itu bisa membuat saya terlihat lebih ramah dan bersahabat buat orang lain. Saya punya kecenderungan untuk berwajah cemberut pada saat saya diam dan terlebih pada saat saya berpikir. Dan saya harus terus-menerus mengingatkan diri saya sendiri untuk mengendurkan wajah saya dan tersenyum.
Senyum anak-anak saya merupakan senyum paling asli. Anak-anak tersenym karena mereka tersenyum. Karena memang maunya tersenyum. Bukan untuk menampilkan image, bukan karena tuntutan pekerjaan, dan bukan karena aturan sopan santun.
Tapi apa pun alasan yang dipakai orang untuk tersenyum, ekspresi yang satu ini rasanya memang jauh lebih menyenangkan untuk didapat daripada ekspresi-ekspresi lainnya.
Ketika sedang sedih, sedang bermasalah, soerang sahabat yang mengusap lembut pundakmu sambil tersenyum bisa menghilangkan sebagian rasa sakit yang kamu derita.
Ketika habis melakukan kesalahan, dan kamu menerima senyuman dari orang yang barusan marah-marah atas ketololan kamu, senyuman itu jadi luar biasa rasanya.
Ketika kata-kata tak lagi mampu menyampaikan makna yang dibentuk di benakmu, tatapan mata ke mata dan sebuah senyuman bisa sangat berarti. Ia menggantikan percakapan yang tak bisa tersampaikan, ia menggantikan perasaaan-perasaan yang ditekan, dan ia juga memberi kesempatan untuk berkomunikasi dalam diam. (Entah apakah maksud dari masing-masing pihak dapat diterima dengan jelas oleh pihak lainnya. Bahkan saat berkata-katapun orang bisa saling tidak mengerti.)
Tersenyumlah, dan dunia akan tersenyum bersamamu.
Hidupku terlalu indah untuk tidak dinikmati
Friday, September 10
Wake up and smell the coffee!!
I can just feel it: the sweet smell of coffee brewing, floating and finding its way to my nostril. I inhale deeply, feel it filling up my senses.
It revokes in me a sense of calmness, of gentle awakening.
Nurse a cup of freshly brewed coffee in your palms, feel the warmth, catch the floating fragrance. Mmmhhhh...... piece of heaven in your palms.
So, like my dear brother said: MY LIFE IS TOO BEAUTIFUL NOT TO BE ENJOYED.
Live, love, laugh.
Peace be with you.
It revokes in me a sense of calmness, of gentle awakening.
Nurse a cup of freshly brewed coffee in your palms, feel the warmth, catch the floating fragrance. Mmmhhhh...... piece of heaven in your palms.
So, like my dear brother said: MY LIFE IS TOO BEAUTIFUL NOT TO BE ENJOYED.
Live, love, laugh.
Peace be with you.
BLAST!
There was another big blast ripped thru this city again, this time just outside the Australian Embassy.
My friend this morning asked: what did they (the bombers) think? Didn't they think about their family? How are they going to live? Who's gonna feed them?
To that I answered: they weren't thinking. They have stopped thinking. If they were thinking, they would not do it. They have stopped having heart, have feeling, have whatever that is that make them human. They are not 'man' anymore.
This time, I want to weep. Too many already, too much. Too stupid. Live is not to be wasted. And definitely not to be ended in a blast like that. How do you justify that? Ending hopes, dreams, heartbeat, breathing, senses. The loss, the pain, the agony.
Forgive us, God.
My friend this morning asked: what did they (the bombers) think? Didn't they think about their family? How are they going to live? Who's gonna feed them?
To that I answered: they weren't thinking. They have stopped thinking. If they were thinking, they would not do it. They have stopped having heart, have feeling, have whatever that is that make them human. They are not 'man' anymore.
This time, I want to weep. Too many already, too much. Too stupid. Live is not to be wasted. And definitely not to be ended in a blast like that. How do you justify that? Ending hopes, dreams, heartbeat, breathing, senses. The loss, the pain, the agony.
Forgive us, God.
sit beside me (2)
Like a small miracle, I found myself seated in a 604-bus on wednesday afternoon just afterwork. It was nearing 6 pm, a very crowded hour in Sudirman, with crowded buses. Somehow, this one bus had lots of remaining seats - soon to be filled, though.
And like zillion times before, the one besides me was the last one to be occupied. So, what was it this time? My short, blonde-highlighted hair? My headphone? The way I look out the window, not paying attention to others? What was it? The "keep off" aura again?
What? Do I really look like someone who live in a separate world (one of my friends did describe me that way: You have a world of your own) - so separate and far away that people feel threatened somehow? Geez.... I won' t hurt you. In fact, I usually give my smile, say thank you and say excuse me all the time.
So, sit beside me, okay? Whether I am wearing my sunglasses or not, whether I have blonde highlight or not, whether I am lost in my music I hear thru that headphone (yup, headphone - not earphone).
I am just one of you, too.
Peace be upon you, fellow humans.
And like zillion times before, the one besides me was the last one to be occupied. So, what was it this time? My short, blonde-highlighted hair? My headphone? The way I look out the window, not paying attention to others? What was it? The "keep off" aura again?
What? Do I really look like someone who live in a separate world (one of my friends did describe me that way: You have a world of your own) - so separate and far away that people feel threatened somehow? Geez.... I won' t hurt you. In fact, I usually give my smile, say thank you and say excuse me all the time.
So, sit beside me, okay? Whether I am wearing my sunglasses or not, whether I have blonde highlight or not, whether I am lost in my music I hear thru that headphone (yup, headphone - not earphone).
I am just one of you, too.
Peace be upon you, fellow humans.
Wednesday, September 8
The sun always shines
the sun always shines
no matter how you're feelings
no matter what your moods are
the sun always shines
day in and day out
whether you expect it or not
the sun always shines
and why not be like it?
no matter how you're feelings
no matter what your moods are
the sun always shines
day in and day out
whether you expect it or not
the sun always shines
and why not be like it?
Monday, September 6
demolished
how do i apologize for broken heart
shattered, trampled, unmended?
how do i make up for lost dreams
blackened, torn, uncaptured?
shattered, trampled, unmended?
how do i make up for lost dreams
blackened, torn, uncaptured?
how should i stand before you
ridiculed, shaken, beaten?
how would i keep the memory?
etch it on my skin?
let it blown by wind?
Friday, September 3
...
oh life, of pain
oh love, oh sorrow
high hopes and disappointments
happiness and broken dreams
take them away
these feeling
shut them down
these madness
be still
be silent
cold
dead
oh love, oh sorrow
high hopes and disappointments
happiness and broken dreams
take them away
these feeling
shut them down
these madness
be still
be silent
cold
dead
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