One on one friendship

In a job interview I took about two years ago, the interviewer gave me illustration to pick that represent the way I interact with people. I chose one-on-one interaction.
Yes, that's the way I interact with people. I am not good in group situation. I got lost in them. And I have little tolerance for the grop dynamics: the waiting, the fit-in, the listening to so much going on at one time.
(Though sometimes when I was caught in such dynamics, I found it quite amusing)

I am an intense person. When I communicate, it would be intensely. I can only be intense when I have single audience. That's why I am a one-on-one person. That's why my friendship pattern is like that, too.

Sometimes I envy those who have pictures of them with their groups smiling. So close, so connected, so 'packed'. I don't have such picture. There would only be two of us. Most of my friendship even goes beyond photographing, coz I can only predict what my hubby would think of me and a male friend smiling in a picture. Not a pretty sight for him.

Envy put aside, I am actually amazed at those who maintain so many relations. The ability eludes me. There's this mechanism of automatic shut down that I have when I am confronted with group. I would recoil, and make myself invisible. Merely a spectator. Not an actor. And go home with regret, of why I hide myself so.

I cannot understand my own phsycology, sometimes. So contradictive, so inconsistent. Those who know me think I am a confident person. I am not. They think I am brave and strong. I am not. You know what? I go through life with not much thinking. It's like shoot first, ask later.

At least I survived so far.

Have a nice life, friends.