Monday, September 30

on fairies and faith

one time, my youngest daughter asked me:
"are fairies for real, mom?"
i then looked into her eyes, into those round pools of innocence, untainted yet by the scars and wound of growing up, and saw hope and belief there.
i told her, in the nicest voice i could muster:
"they are real as you believe they are. they would be there as you believe they'd be there."

was i lying to my child?
i believe i was not.

faith is something you believe that gives you hope.

for my youngest daughter, now 8, fairies are the sources of all the good things in life.
they are the sources of her smile at night, the sources of the safety that she feels.
should i destroy that?
i don't think so.

there will be time she'd come to know the more complicated work of the world
but as for now, i'd just let her belief in fairies.

and who knows, perhaps they are for real.
we just could not see and feel them because we have ceased to have faith in them.

Tuesday, April 30

realization smacking you in the face

sebuah percakapan di malam hari:

+ dek, cermin ini bikin orang jadi lebar ya?
- engga ma. klo pinggirannya iya.
+ ah masak? kok mama jadi ndut banget gitu? emang mama kayak gitu?
- lah, mama emang begitu.
+ ah? coba kamu sini dek, berdiri deket mama.
(mama berdiri dengan si adek di sampingnya. tidak tampak ada 'efek khusus' dengan bayangan adek di cermin)
+ hm...
+ jadi mama emang gendut begitu ya dek?
- ya iya sih. tapi aku seneng mama begitu. asal jangan makin ajah.
+ .....

Tuesday, April 23


sunny afternoon, 
in a city full of dust. 
wonder how they dance, 
those people suffocating with dirt? 

(sore cerah di jakarta, april 23 tahun 2013)

a room between your heartbeats

there's a room
between your heartbeats
where my soul resides
and as you die
it dies

(thinking so deeply about my dearest hubby)
(Jakarta, in my own space and time, AD 2013 on the twenty-third day of April)

(un)burning bridges

when i walked away from the things in the past, i thot that whatever connection i had with it is severed.
like burning bridges. you can no longer reach the place, though it's still there.
this is what my thinking was, about 15 years ago when i left my first job.
it's finished. the book is closed. people will forget me as i forget them.
my life was moving forward, and they would not be part of it.

how so wrong i was.

past is not something you can ditch, even when the bridge is no longer there.
it is very much still there.
some people don't simply forget you, as when your life and their live collided, you made yourself part of their life. whether you are a significant part of it or not, it's irrelevant. you were there, being a part of their vast reference of life.

this is a realization that came to me just recently, when someone from the past was looking for me.
i thot first, something is happening to him. something not quite good. why else would he be looking for me.
turned out, it was for the memory's sake. for the past. that i made it part of his life.
and that i should not run away but be part of his present too, albeit in a very dim way.

so now i'm unburning my bridges. trying to reach those distant place.
because what was there made me what i am today.
what i met there is part of my life reference today.

and you know what? it always made my day to know that people remember me.

so perhaps it would make their day if i remember them, too.