diary of a pregnant lady

ok, it's confirmed. i am pregnant, the third time this time, carrying hopefully my 4th child (not 4th AND 5th, please.....).

the first two weeks after that confirmation, i had terrible time. cannot eat. trouble sleeping. no energy whatsoever. throwing up 11 times a day. hated everything. shunned myself in my room. cannot stand the smell of food / cooking. cannot stand the smell of my children.

on one of the worst days, i ate only 3 biskuits, drank less than 250ml of liquid. what i put it would be thrown out again. to the bile. painful.

these past two days have seen improvement. eating a bit more, puking less, got more energy, even braved myself to go to the foodcourt and ate ketoprak today. major step! and am enjoying chocolate sundae now.

oh, the travel home from office is still a daunting task, though. i keep my head low as to not see the traffic, breathing slowly to regulate my mind and body. that, or i would puke all the way. i'd throw up once arriving at home, though. after that, cleopatra pose. reclining / lying down on my bed, door closed, window open. armed with a can of green apple room freshener to vend off suspicious odors.

life is beautiful, friend. never ceases to be.

memory flooding

last night, as i was trying to sleep, my mind was flooded with images and sensations of places i've been to. pictures, sounds, smells, presented like a mad slide projector show:

toffee and butterscotch vendor in windsor behind glass with red wrought-iron railings, the lady selling old wooden print blocks in front of it, ice cream on the bank of that river in nyhaven - copenhagen with ki, the old man in the windsor station - amazed at our 'origin', the stairs down in montmarte - paris, dark tulips in malmoe, chicken noodle soup in breda, THE best kebab ever in east berlin after the spring rain with wet tables, the chinese restaurant in harley / surrey (?), brighton by the sea, english tea and scones and butter biskuits, that kissing couple in the train stop outside amsterdam, cycling in amsterdam, the smell of french fries and mayonaise....

spring wind on my cheeks, numbing my fingers. drizzles on my hair, on the tip of my eyelashes

the poster shop in kalvestraat amsterdam, dirty alleys and sex shops outside copenhagen train station, the ferry ride to german, candy shop in rome - small but magnificently covered with all sorts of candies, smell of capuccino brewing in the morning and a friendly buon-giorno, a box of strawberries on sale just before close of market day, la luna night park, shrimp in fiumicino - smell of sea i hated.

sweet and sour noodle in check point charlie, blue-lighted toilette upstair on the nordsea restaurant in a'dam, hamburger in malmoe park bench, mossy ground and chill in one's of malmoe's park, strong wind on the hill just outside london - swaying the tall grass making waves

spring, life, chills, people.....foreign languanges....blue sky...soft rain...

puke

eyes closed
trying to calm
the acid storm
brewing in my stomach

convulsions
shooting out biles

what i've had today
wasted
in the puke bin

raindrops

alone in my room
looking out the window
at raindrops falling on the leaves
making them dancing

Wicked mother, am I?

I left two wailing children today, my twins not letting me go to the office. They are ill.

Today is my last day before the holiday, and I just have to meet lots of people today (suppliers and the like). Not to mention my un-thicked items in the To-Do-List.

So which one to choose? Am at the office now, so you know which one. I left my husband at home.

I've been having two-weeks lebaran leave since the birth of my eldest seven years ago. Even unpaid ones. This year I cannot cause there are so much to do at the office. Or are there, really?

Wicked mother, am I?

My poor rich country

Indonesia has the most concentration of volcano, about 500 of them, in a chain that is called "the ring of fire". Those volcanoes could generate enough electrical power to light up every single home in the whole country. But this wealth of power is untapped because: there will be not enough "incentives" for the government to run it.

Geothermal power is a clean power, more agreeable to the Kyoto Protocol and probably could serve the earth better. But that I leave to the experts.

What struck me is the word incentives. Not enough incentives to the government (= people running the government). The project would mean long-term investment and no immediate return, so the government, changing every 5 years or less, is not interested in it. Because they cannot pocket anything from the project.

My country is blessed with all the richness nature could provide: more than 10.000 islands with mostly fertile soil, forrests, good climate, open seas, long coastal lines, mines, plantations, sunshines throughout the year. And yet, we are one of the poorest countries in the world. How come? Theory of economy I don't understand. What rings in my ears is that one word: incentives.

Corruption has crippled this rich nation. Of all the goodness that could be harvested for the people, all has to come through projects that generate enough incentives.

My poor rich country. Bless you and your people.

Parcel

Hari ini aku dapet parsel. Kayaknya baru sekalinya dalam sejarah kerjaku ada yang kirim parsel atas nama aku sendiri, bukan departemen ato lainnya. Lucu juga.
Padahal ada anjuran untuk gak kirim2 parsel, dan kayaknya di kantor aku juga perparselan rada2 musti dipastikan apakah comply apa enggak ama kebijakan kumpeni.
Tep aja seneng terimanya. Ada yang inget (biar ingetnya juga gara2 purchase order aku yang banyak..... dan bukan karena aku "manis" ama mereka).
Pantesan aja orang seneng terima parsel. Kepake gak kepake, kemakan gak kemakan, terima sesuatu yang gratis itu emang enak. Seperti temenku bilang: Gretong is the best.

Makanya juga kali kalo udah kebiasaan serba dapet yang gretong, udah ngerasa jadi haknya (padahal bukan), dan begitu gak dapet jadi asem.

Balik ke parsel yang aku terima. Hari ini aku terima dua. Yang satu yang atas nama aku, yang satu bukan - yang ini definitely buat rame-rame. Aturan mainnya sih diundi. Tapi entar aja lah. Kalo kerjaan udah rada sepi. Ini masih rame banget, dan nyempetin korupsi 10 menitan buat ngeblog (anggep aja extended stay at the rest room).

Oke, yang satu diundi. Yang satunya? Dipajang dulu, ntar abis lebaran dimakan rame-rame? Apa gw pilih dulu buat gw, yang gak gw pilih sebar rame-rame? Aturan mainnya gw gak tauk. Apa diundi juga?

Sementara gw konsultasi ama orang2 lain yang pengalaman perparselannya udah lebih banyak, gw cabut dulu. Kerja lagi. Emang wayahnya....

Your God vs. my God?

I was surfing the channels when I stumbled upon a BBC program about Moslems in Britain. One feature was about a woman lawyer defending the rights of Moslems in that country. A case she represented was about a man being tortured at his home in front of his wife / family. The attackers asked him this “Where is your God now?”

What is it about religion and God that separate us instead of joining us? If all believers truly believe that there is only ONE GOD, so why does it matter if that God is called by several names?

Most of us even pray in almost the same fashion, which illustrate the humbleness we are in front of God. We kneel, we bow, we cast our eyes down. We are small. We look up to heaven and see only a sliver of the unlimited Greatness.

Even if there is no God, or even if you think that my God and yours are different, look at ourselves in the eyes and see what it is that is so different with us that justify such act? You bleed, I bleed. You hurt, I hurt. Your heart beats, my heart beats. It stops when we die.

Human beings, we are. In all colors, in all shapes, in all beliefs (or even absence of beliefs).

Funny feeling

Yesterday was my birthday. Older, none the wiser.

I spent yesterday horizontal. My Rania was ill, having a high fever and cough, and threw up several times. She wouldn’t let me out of her side. Pretty nauseating, spending the day in that position: lying but not able to really sleep. I’ve been sleep deprived for two nights now. Queasy indeed.

And I am feeling weird. It’s already four days past my period date. My periods are like clockworks, I never missed them more than 2 days. Oh, I missed one for several days, that before I left to Sweden. Too anxious, I guess. This time, what gets me so anxious? Now I AM anxious. Counting the days. Waiting. Hoping.

It’s not that I don’t want to, but I don’t really expect too, either. If it is, then it is. I already have 3 kids: a seven-years old and two three-years old. To have the fourth would mean… well…..

Que sera sera. If it has to be, it has to be. I just have to manage my feelings and emotion for that.

No blog again today? Too bad…

Of course not. Two workdays without blogging is just too much. Even if I have to squeeze this five minutes to type and pour my mind out.

My life these two days is swirling: out of focus, everything seems to be moving, none can be caught. And if I am to jot down exactly what it is that consumed my time so much, I cannot. I am busy, but doing what I don’t know. Fact is, a minute seems to have less than 60 seconds.

I don’t think I can allow myself 5 minutes. Gotta go again. See you in better time.

definitely no blog for today. didn't even stayed on my desk. sorry

What?

Okay, a thought crossed my mind in my way to office this morning, but then it eluded me. I know I need to write about something, but I couldn't remember what. Naught.

Perhaps, then, it would be a good occasion for me to write about my random memory. Ah! I remember now, I was about to write about amnesia. And the other (so, it was two thoughts after all) was about pain.

Pain first.
I read an article in The Jakarta Post about a girl who cannot feel pain. And I had read about that previously in Newsweek magazine also. Some very few people were born with that: no sensation whatsoever about pain.
You think it would be nice to live without pain? Nope. It would be disaster. Pain is there as a warning to our body: that something is wrong and something needs to be done. It is true, people have different threshold and react differently to the sensation. Nevertheless, you need it in your system.
Just think for a while. No pain. Numbness. You broke your bones and you cannot feel it. You cut yourself and notice only when there's blood dripping. You plunged into scalding hot water and doesn't feel a thing while your skin burns away.
No pain could lead to no fear. Sure. It's fear of getting hurt that usually stops us form doing what we want to do (or must do). But people with no pain could go on braving anything because they lack that one thing: the pain when you get hurt.

Reading the article makes think about this: that being normal, in all its shortcomings, is just PERFECT.

About amnesia? Later on. If I don't forget.

So folks, be thankful for those pains. It's part of your system as a human body.

Pohon jambu

Di depan rumah yang aku tinggali sekarang, yang sudah aku tinggali sejak aku lahir, dulu ada pohon jambu klutuk merah. Guava, nama kerennya.

Pohon jambu itu ngetop, bener. Setiap musim berbuah, anak2 SD ujung kompleks pulang sekolah selalu teriak2: Ooom, minta jambunya. Tante…, minta jambunya. Dan pohon jambu yang tadinya berbuah jambu jadi berbuah anak singkong.

Kadang2 pohon jambu itu berbuah anak perempuan berkulit putih baca buku. Itu aku, dulu. Pernah aku ngambek sama ibuku dan lari manjat pohon, baca buku. Baru turun setelah ibuku panik manggil2 aku gak ketemu2. Pernah juga, aku manjat tinggi2, sampe atas, dan nimpuk orang lewat dengan buah yang kecil2 mentah. Hehehe, nakal! Pernah juga, lagi asik2 panen, peganganku lepas dan aku mendarat di tanah, tiba2 langit menjadi pemandanganku.

Pohon jambu itu juga bisa jadi alasan kenapa aku gak bisa masak. Dulu, pembantuku (yang lebih mirip manajer rumah tangga), paling anti kalo aku masuk dapur. Jadilah aku melarikan diri ke pohon dan baca buku, atau nimpuk orang, atau sekedar melamun (sampe ada ulet bulu lewat…. Kalo udah begini, dijamin sampe musim ulet berlalu aku baru berani manjat lagi).

Awal remaja, pohon jambu jadi markas aku dan teman2ku. Berempat kita di atas, liat2 orang lewat, bergosip, dll. Entah pada ke mana sekarang teman2ku itu.

Sekarang udah tinggal kenangan, si pohon jambu itu. Mati dimakan rayap batang2nya. Anak2ku gak bisa manjat pohon. Mereka juga gak bisa manjat tiang bendera di depan rumah. Sayang…..

Blog addict

Hello, my name is Sapobi, and I am a blog addict.

My urge to write something down and put it in my blog comes every five minutes or so which sometimes makes it hard for me to focus on my work.

After the absence of blogging in the weekend, the urge is definitely stronger this Monday.

The last thing that comes up just seconds ago is this: freedom is to say and do whatever.... as long as it doesn't hurt other people even in the smallest way.

Oh, I’ve broken my fast again this morning, this time as early as 9 am. I was feeling that coldness again, the chill that comes from within my body, not from outside. Better warm up than to faint (which would create quite a stir at the office, I believe).

See you again later on, blog.

Anak kecil

Pernah perhatiin anak kecil? Kadang aku takjub sama mereka, sama energi yang mereka miliki. Dan kagum sama kemerdekaan dan kesungguhan mereka.

Waktu itu aku pernah nonton film Jepang, yang salah satu tokohnya (petugas tempat penitipan anak) bilang: buat anak2, setiap hari adalah peperangan. Semua hal dilakukan dengan sepenuh hati, dan kalau mereka sudah punya tujuan, tujuan itu akan dicapai tanpa menyerah.

Puitisnya begitu. Kenyataannya adalah: anak kecilku bisa ngomong “Mau permen” dalam interval 2 menitan selama setengah jam non-stop kalau dia memang pengen permen yang gak bakal aku kasih karena dia lagi batuk. Bener2 perang kekuatan mental. Dan anak kecilku yang satu lagi bisa bilang “Nggak” dengan tegasnya walaupun udah dibujuk, dikasih alasan panjang lebar, sampai akhrinya diancam kalo memang dia gak mau ngerjain sesuatu (misalnya mandi atau tidur).

Kesungguhan hati. Beneran. Dan butuh ketabahan luar biasa buat aku untuk bisa ngomong sama mereka tanpa kehilanga kesabaran (biasanya aku kalah – makin lama nada bicara makin tinggi dan buntutnya marah).

Tentang energi? Tadi pagi anakku yang besar bangun sahur dan gak tidur lagi, dan anakku kecil satunya ikut bangun dan gak tidur lagi sampe aku berangkat kantor. Dan selama dua jam di pagi buta itu mereka berkegiatan dengan asiknya: mbantu ngepel, nyuci, ngelap, dll, dan ngomong dengan suaranya yang keras (teriak?), dan, yang ini yang paling ‘nyebelin’, mbangunin mamanya yang lagi nikmat tidur. “Mama, mama…..bangun, udah terang!” Grrrhhhh…..

Aku bayangin, sementara ibunya terkantuk-kantuk di kantor, dengan kepala yang rasanya penuh angin, anak2 kecil itu hepi2 aja di rumah dan main seperti biasanya.

Setiap hari adalah perang buat mereka, perang yang tanpa korban.