Happy new year!

Dec 31.

Last date on the calendar of 2004.

Wishing you all a prosperous new year, and above all: happiness and love!

Beautiful life to you all...

Sad...

The body counts keep rising. It's sad. Truly. More than 40 thousands confirmed dead in Indonesia alone.

The devastation left is so massive that the gov predictid it would take 5 years to rebuild the areas. But there will be no rebuilding for lifes stopped dead.

That's the magnitude of what nature can do.

Even dinosours perished in the end. Will we, too?

Manusia dan alamnya (2) - GPS and all that jazz

Nerusin yang kemaren. GPS and all that jazz - what the use of them? Buanyak. Neh salah satunya:

taruhlah si IT Geek itu udah terdampar di hutan. Tanpa bekal apa-apa kecuali bodi ama baju yang nempel di bodinya (soale kalo gak pake baju ntar jadi laen cerita...). Nah, di masa itu, setiap orang udah 'dirasuki' dengan suatu chip yang memuat data2 dia. Dan chip ini memakai mekanisme tertentu yang gak perlu batere, semacam mekanismenya Seiko kinetik yang selama digoyang jalan terus itu. Pada saat 'distress', chip ini bisa mengeluarkan sinyal, sinyalnya bisa ditangkep satelit, dan dari situ si GPS berfungsi lah..... nentuin posisi temen kita yang terdampar tea. Lantas, digerakkanlah itu misi penyelamatan. Dalam itungan jam, si doi udah mesam-mesem lagi di helicopter penyelamat.

Jadi ada fungsinya juga kan? Dengan catatan: tuh negara punya infrastruktur yang heboh, dana yang gede, kemampuan untuk mobilisasi SAR dalam itungan menit, dan menghargai tiap nyawa rakyatnya.

Gitu. Kali.....

Manusia dan alamnya

Aku suka berpikir, manusia sekarang bener2 sudah tercerabut dari alamnya. Dari segala mahluk hidup, cuma manusia yang bener2 lahir tanpa pembelaan apa2 untuk menghadapi alam. Ia sangat rapuh, telanjang, dan sama sekali tidak dirancang untuk survive di alam. Manusia bisa hidup karena otaknya yang menghasilkan teknologi yang memungkinkannya untuk survive. Bicara teknologi jangan dulu bicara listrik dan temen2nya, tapi dimulai dari yang paling awal: penutup tubuh dan tempat bernaung - pelindung terhadap cuaca dan elemen lain.

Bayangkan skenario ini:
ambil seorang IT Geek dari depan komputernya, bodi doang ama baju yang dipake, taruh di tengah hutan rimba, boleh di alam tropis atau di alam 4 musim. Berapa lama bisa tahan hidup... tanpa bekal, tanpa survival kit, tanpa api (tanpa pengetahuan untuk membuat api), tanpa ini itu dll.

So what's the use of GPS and all those Wifi then? Banyak lah..... tapi bukan buat yang satu itu.

Pada akhirnya, alam has the last word.

Tender beef

If I was a cow, I would've fetched good price for my owner. My beef is tender, mostly lean for those health-concious pack, but still contain enough fat in some places to make your steak sizzle.

Yummy.

Hi blog!

Anybody miss me? Well, it hurts when nobody does, but hey, so what? I miss my blog, though. Two weeks without. Gosh... how many thoughts have crossed my mind and gone, left uncaptured.

Wonder wassup with me?

Got under hospital arrest for 4 days, followed by house arrest for the whole week afterward. Due to "abortus iminens". Or "threatened abortus" in English. What happened was: I got uterine bleeding, which could lead to spontaneous abortus. Scarry..... However, the baby seemed okay, wiggling as it was everytime the USG spotted him. I am not. Okay, that is. Limited mobility, have to walk with snail speed, no abrupt movement, no heavy lifting (heck, no lifting at all), have to take lunch at my desk (no wandering around at the foodcourt). Manja, indeed.

Anyway, life is still beautiful to me, dear friends. Never ceased to be. Even when I had only the ceiling to look at (and the green curtain, and the non-descript mustard-yellow wall in the hospital). Well, at one time life seemed so stupid, but after a dose of angry fit, tears, and curhat with friend, life went on as beautifully as always.

Nice to blog again.

Anak ke berapa?

Terus terang, pertanyaan ini yang paling aku hindari selama hamil ini. Sekarang belum banyak yang tanya sih, selain karena rekan2 juga udah tahu banget itungan anakku udah berapa, perutku juga belum meyakinkan buat dibilang hamil. Buncit, hooh - kayak orang gak pernah senam.

Tapi hari ini kena juga. Ada karyawan baru di kantor, dan dengan inosennya bertanya: hamil anak ke berapa Mbak? Mo jujur rada2 malu... (hari gini anaknya empat???), mo gak bilang wong udah ditanya.... Akhirnya kujawab dengan begini: ini kehamilan ketiga, tapi anak keempat. Anak keduaku kembar. Dan mendapat respon: oooohhhh.

Begitulah.

(semoga anak keempat beneran, gak empat dan lima)

Swedia

Kata "Swedia" tiga tahun yang lalu hampir tak berarti apa2 buat aku. Yang aku tahu ia adalah satu dari beberapa negara Skandinavia nun di utara sana, negeri dingin dengan orang2 blonde. Hasil karyanya yang mendunia adalah Volvo - yang pernah menyatakan diri sebagai "The Safest Car in the World", IKEA - biangnya furnitur dengan garis 'bersih' nan murah (untuk ukuran sono), dan Roxete.

Lalu, tiba2 suamiku dapat beasiswa untuk belajar di Swedia. Dan kata itu tiba2 jadi mewakili segala hal yang terjadi: rasa bangga, perpisahan, kesepian, kesedihan, kegembiraan, pengalaman, dll. Swedia tiba2 jadi sesuatu yang tumbuh di hati, sama2 berdetak di jantung, dan mendekam di memori.

Ada yang bergetar setiap kali kata itu disebut atau dibaca. Apalagi jika yang disebut adalah spesifik Malmoe, kota yang menyerap suamiku selama 1 1/2 tahun. Dan Lund, kota tetangganya.

Apa pun itu, Swedia tiga tahun lalu berbeda dengan Swedia detik ini.

Mamah empuk

Oke, inilah hasil dari teler dan mabok selama kurang lebih sebulan, yang didului puasa, gak olahraga / gerak2 serius, gak gendong2 anak seberat 14-15 kiloan.....

Tadi malem anakku yang gede nepuk-nepuk lenganku dan bilang, dengan polos dan manisnya: Mamah empuk!

Yeah.. thanks for letting me know.

Senja Jingga

Seperti biasa, sepulang kantor, dengan perjalanan mobil yang sekarang merupakan saat2 horor buatku, aku terkapar di kamar.
Jendela terbuka lebar, sore masih terang, dan aku menatap dinding.
Lambat laun dinding kamarku yang berwarna ungu violet berubah… warna yang aku jarang lihat sebelumnya.
Kupalingkan wajahku dan menatap ke luar.

Senja jingga.

Kubayangkan matahari: bola raksasa berwarna jingga
Perlahan turun dan akhirnya hilang di cakrawala
Namun pada hari itu ia memutuskan
Untuk meninggalkan semburat kenangan padaku:
Senja jingga

On Marriage (Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet)

Then Almitra spoke again and said, "And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow

sakaw

Cinta itu seperti candu, kan?
Dan candu bisa membuatmu sakaw...

(dicuplik dari Men's Health Sept'04)

Bali

What is it about Bali that makes me so thrilled?

Is it all the memories of a happy childhood: of swimming endlessly under the sun, of nivea's scent on my skin, of being together with my family, of ordering cheese burgers and triple sundaes, of looking at the ceiling and found a big scary gecko, of being taken as a Japanese with burnt skin all over, of live without worry?

Is it the adolescent time: of people looking with admiration, white skin tanned, romantic images playing in my mind, beautiful sunset and magnificent moon, long hair braided, sensation of sand between my toes, dreaming of lover on the beach?

Is it the adulthood: time away from office, the vastness of blue sky, wind on my cheek, honey moon full of smiles, swimming to my heart's contend, the sand... sea....wind....trees....smiles...full moon beaming?

Bali is a dreamland when reality is suspended.

be yourself no matter what they do?

how many things can you say about a person?
how do you define his / her identity?

how do you see yourself?
how do you introduce yourself to people?
how many facets do you have?
what is you?

so, not so easy to be yourself no matter what they do if you don't know how to define yourself, hey?

random brain at works here. sapobi signing off for the day.

Ketika Tuhan Tersenyum

MAW Brouwer (alm), pastur, kolumnis, psikolog dari Belanda yang jatuh cinta pada Indonesia, menulis pada salah satu kolomnya bahwa tanah Sunda (dan Indonesia) diciptakan saat Tuhan sedang tersenyum. Jelas saja. Buat orang yang punya pengalaman menjalani beku dan gelapnya musim dingin, beranginnya musim semi, dll –Indonesia yang hangat sepanjang tahun, basah2 dikit di musim hujan, jarang badai, banjir kadang2 saja (itupun karena pembangunan yang kacau – bukan karena alam kita sadis), tentunya benar2 terasa bahwa Tuhan mahabaik ketika menciptakannya.

Sementara di tempat lain, di salah satu negara bagian di Rusia, ada tempat terdingin yang berpenghuni. Bahkan di musim panas, suhu MINUS 30-an derajat celcius, dan kalau musin dingin bisa sampai minus 60-an. Kalo orang miskin di Indonesia bajunya hanya satu dan udah tipis, paling2 masuk angin (mungkin). Orang Rusia itu? Mati, pasti. Beku.

Tapi seperti yang suamiku bilang, Tuhan adalah serba maha. Maka ketika Ia tersenyum, Ia juga bisa berhenti tersenyum. Dan tanah Indonesia yang makmur sentosa ini (saya bilang tanah – bukan rakyat. Rakyatnya sih……begitulah), menyimpan ‘amarah’ yang luar biasa: Jajaran gunung berapi aktif yang berentet dari Sabang sampai Merauke – “The Ring of Fire” yang ngetop itu. Satu saja meledak, hebohlah negeri ini. Semuanya meledak?

Semoga saja Tuhan terus tersenyum pada kita.

Horse galloping inside my tummy

One night, when me and my twins were having fun in bed, one of them put her head on my tummy. Then she said:

(H): mommy, there's a sound of horse galloping inside your tummy?
(M): hmmm? Horse galloping? What is it like?
(H): tagadap, tagadap, tagadap...
(M): oh, that. It's not a horse, Has. It's my heart beating. Here, try to put year ear here (right on my chest). Hear that?
(H): with eyes beaming Yes....
(M): you have heart beating inside you, too. Here, let mommy hear yours (and I put my head on her little chest).
(H): Oh?
(M): you can try to listen to Rania's. Rania, here.... Hasna would like to listen to your heart beating. Put your head on Rania's chest..., yup, like that. Hear that?
(H): yup.
(M): now it's Rania's turn. Put your ear on Hasna's chest. Hear that? The sound like horse galloping?
(R): yup... Mommy have it too?
(M): of course. Now, listen to mommy's.

And then, we spent some minutes listening to that one thing that connect us all: the heartbeat.

Kisses in the moonlight

My friend's radio is playing that song.

It would be nice, isn't it, to kiss under the moonlight?

Just imagine: you and your lover, just the two of you, oblivion to others, feeling only the beauty of togetherness, under the beauty of the magnificent moon. Lips intertwined, hearts beat faster, eyes closed, warmth surge within the bodies, and sensation reign.

Kisses in the moonlight.

Gourmet meal vs peanuts

You’ve seen my hubby blog? Heavy…….
You’ve seen my blog? Titbits and the trivia of life.

Reading my hubby’s blog makes me think of gourmet meal (though I haven’t really tried one). You have to savor it slowly, nibbling at the beauty and the taste. It will linger, the sensation, and I guess you don’t want to have too many of it in a short time.

My blog is like assorted peanuts in a bag. Light, various flavors and consistencies that you can munch on at any time, and the sensation is easily forgotten.

The danger of klepon

Oke, buat yang suka makan klepon, hati2. Baru aja aku makan satu, dan mak jeprottttt, itu isi gula jawa melesat kelular, mendarat dengan dramatisnya di layar monitor aku, di atas berkas2 aku, dan beberapa tetes di keyboard.

Selagi bersih-bersih ternyata terlihat bahkan ada yang loncat sampe ke belakang monitor komputer dan meresap ke dalam penyekat cubicle.

So, beware!

Lone flower

A lone flower
Grows in a small garden

Her head bowed
To the grass below

Her head looking up
At the tree which she grows under

A lone flower
Feeling deeply alone

Death comes as the end

My friend forwarded me a clip nudging people to remember that death may come at anytime and now it’s time to remember God (pray, oh friend).

Scary message, that one.

We will all die someday, in a way that is not of our choosing. To be reminded of that is, well, (clearing my throat here), moving indeed.

Heaven or hell? What if I don’t believe in them? What if what I believe is that souls are recycle-able? In their journeys, they will purify themselves enough to someday reside in the sky as eternally blinking stars?

But what if...?

This is definitely not a good topic to start a day with.

diary of a pregnant lady

ok, it's confirmed. i am pregnant, the third time this time, carrying hopefully my 4th child (not 4th AND 5th, please.....).

the first two weeks after that confirmation, i had terrible time. cannot eat. trouble sleeping. no energy whatsoever. throwing up 11 times a day. hated everything. shunned myself in my room. cannot stand the smell of food / cooking. cannot stand the smell of my children.

on one of the worst days, i ate only 3 biskuits, drank less than 250ml of liquid. what i put it would be thrown out again. to the bile. painful.

these past two days have seen improvement. eating a bit more, puking less, got more energy, even braved myself to go to the foodcourt and ate ketoprak today. major step! and am enjoying chocolate sundae now.

oh, the travel home from office is still a daunting task, though. i keep my head low as to not see the traffic, breathing slowly to regulate my mind and body. that, or i would puke all the way. i'd throw up once arriving at home, though. after that, cleopatra pose. reclining / lying down on my bed, door closed, window open. armed with a can of green apple room freshener to vend off suspicious odors.

life is beautiful, friend. never ceases to be.

memory flooding

last night, as i was trying to sleep, my mind was flooded with images and sensations of places i've been to. pictures, sounds, smells, presented like a mad slide projector show:

toffee and butterscotch vendor in windsor behind glass with red wrought-iron railings, the lady selling old wooden print blocks in front of it, ice cream on the bank of that river in nyhaven - copenhagen with ki, the old man in the windsor station - amazed at our 'origin', the stairs down in montmarte - paris, dark tulips in malmoe, chicken noodle soup in breda, THE best kebab ever in east berlin after the spring rain with wet tables, the chinese restaurant in harley / surrey (?), brighton by the sea, english tea and scones and butter biskuits, that kissing couple in the train stop outside amsterdam, cycling in amsterdam, the smell of french fries and mayonaise....

spring wind on my cheeks, numbing my fingers. drizzles on my hair, on the tip of my eyelashes

the poster shop in kalvestraat amsterdam, dirty alleys and sex shops outside copenhagen train station, the ferry ride to german, candy shop in rome - small but magnificently covered with all sorts of candies, smell of capuccino brewing in the morning and a friendly buon-giorno, a box of strawberries on sale just before close of market day, la luna night park, shrimp in fiumicino - smell of sea i hated.

sweet and sour noodle in check point charlie, blue-lighted toilette upstair on the nordsea restaurant in a'dam, hamburger in malmoe park bench, mossy ground and chill in one's of malmoe's park, strong wind on the hill just outside london - swaying the tall grass making waves

spring, life, chills, people.....foreign languanges....blue sky...soft rain...

puke

eyes closed
trying to calm
the acid storm
brewing in my stomach

convulsions
shooting out biles

what i've had today
wasted
in the puke bin

raindrops

alone in my room
looking out the window
at raindrops falling on the leaves
making them dancing

Wicked mother, am I?

I left two wailing children today, my twins not letting me go to the office. They are ill.

Today is my last day before the holiday, and I just have to meet lots of people today (suppliers and the like). Not to mention my un-thicked items in the To-Do-List.

So which one to choose? Am at the office now, so you know which one. I left my husband at home.

I've been having two-weeks lebaran leave since the birth of my eldest seven years ago. Even unpaid ones. This year I cannot cause there are so much to do at the office. Or are there, really?

Wicked mother, am I?

My poor rich country

Indonesia has the most concentration of volcano, about 500 of them, in a chain that is called "the ring of fire". Those volcanoes could generate enough electrical power to light up every single home in the whole country. But this wealth of power is untapped because: there will be not enough "incentives" for the government to run it.

Geothermal power is a clean power, more agreeable to the Kyoto Protocol and probably could serve the earth better. But that I leave to the experts.

What struck me is the word incentives. Not enough incentives to the government (= people running the government). The project would mean long-term investment and no immediate return, so the government, changing every 5 years or less, is not interested in it. Because they cannot pocket anything from the project.

My country is blessed with all the richness nature could provide: more than 10.000 islands with mostly fertile soil, forrests, good climate, open seas, long coastal lines, mines, plantations, sunshines throughout the year. And yet, we are one of the poorest countries in the world. How come? Theory of economy I don't understand. What rings in my ears is that one word: incentives.

Corruption has crippled this rich nation. Of all the goodness that could be harvested for the people, all has to come through projects that generate enough incentives.

My poor rich country. Bless you and your people.

Parcel

Hari ini aku dapet parsel. Kayaknya baru sekalinya dalam sejarah kerjaku ada yang kirim parsel atas nama aku sendiri, bukan departemen ato lainnya. Lucu juga.
Padahal ada anjuran untuk gak kirim2 parsel, dan kayaknya di kantor aku juga perparselan rada2 musti dipastikan apakah comply apa enggak ama kebijakan kumpeni.
Tep aja seneng terimanya. Ada yang inget (biar ingetnya juga gara2 purchase order aku yang banyak..... dan bukan karena aku "manis" ama mereka).
Pantesan aja orang seneng terima parsel. Kepake gak kepake, kemakan gak kemakan, terima sesuatu yang gratis itu emang enak. Seperti temenku bilang: Gretong is the best.

Makanya juga kali kalo udah kebiasaan serba dapet yang gretong, udah ngerasa jadi haknya (padahal bukan), dan begitu gak dapet jadi asem.

Balik ke parsel yang aku terima. Hari ini aku terima dua. Yang satu yang atas nama aku, yang satu bukan - yang ini definitely buat rame-rame. Aturan mainnya sih diundi. Tapi entar aja lah. Kalo kerjaan udah rada sepi. Ini masih rame banget, dan nyempetin korupsi 10 menitan buat ngeblog (anggep aja extended stay at the rest room).

Oke, yang satu diundi. Yang satunya? Dipajang dulu, ntar abis lebaran dimakan rame-rame? Apa gw pilih dulu buat gw, yang gak gw pilih sebar rame-rame? Aturan mainnya gw gak tauk. Apa diundi juga?

Sementara gw konsultasi ama orang2 lain yang pengalaman perparselannya udah lebih banyak, gw cabut dulu. Kerja lagi. Emang wayahnya....

Your God vs. my God?

I was surfing the channels when I stumbled upon a BBC program about Moslems in Britain. One feature was about a woman lawyer defending the rights of Moslems in that country. A case she represented was about a man being tortured at his home in front of his wife / family. The attackers asked him this “Where is your God now?”

What is it about religion and God that separate us instead of joining us? If all believers truly believe that there is only ONE GOD, so why does it matter if that God is called by several names?

Most of us even pray in almost the same fashion, which illustrate the humbleness we are in front of God. We kneel, we bow, we cast our eyes down. We are small. We look up to heaven and see only a sliver of the unlimited Greatness.

Even if there is no God, or even if you think that my God and yours are different, look at ourselves in the eyes and see what it is that is so different with us that justify such act? You bleed, I bleed. You hurt, I hurt. Your heart beats, my heart beats. It stops when we die.

Human beings, we are. In all colors, in all shapes, in all beliefs (or even absence of beliefs).

Funny feeling

Yesterday was my birthday. Older, none the wiser.

I spent yesterday horizontal. My Rania was ill, having a high fever and cough, and threw up several times. She wouldn’t let me out of her side. Pretty nauseating, spending the day in that position: lying but not able to really sleep. I’ve been sleep deprived for two nights now. Queasy indeed.

And I am feeling weird. It’s already four days past my period date. My periods are like clockworks, I never missed them more than 2 days. Oh, I missed one for several days, that before I left to Sweden. Too anxious, I guess. This time, what gets me so anxious? Now I AM anxious. Counting the days. Waiting. Hoping.

It’s not that I don’t want to, but I don’t really expect too, either. If it is, then it is. I already have 3 kids: a seven-years old and two three-years old. To have the fourth would mean… well…..

Que sera sera. If it has to be, it has to be. I just have to manage my feelings and emotion for that.

No blog again today? Too bad…

Of course not. Two workdays without blogging is just too much. Even if I have to squeeze this five minutes to type and pour my mind out.

My life these two days is swirling: out of focus, everything seems to be moving, none can be caught. And if I am to jot down exactly what it is that consumed my time so much, I cannot. I am busy, but doing what I don’t know. Fact is, a minute seems to have less than 60 seconds.

I don’t think I can allow myself 5 minutes. Gotta go again. See you in better time.

definitely no blog for today. didn't even stayed on my desk. sorry

What?

Okay, a thought crossed my mind in my way to office this morning, but then it eluded me. I know I need to write about something, but I couldn't remember what. Naught.

Perhaps, then, it would be a good occasion for me to write about my random memory. Ah! I remember now, I was about to write about amnesia. And the other (so, it was two thoughts after all) was about pain.

Pain first.
I read an article in The Jakarta Post about a girl who cannot feel pain. And I had read about that previously in Newsweek magazine also. Some very few people were born with that: no sensation whatsoever about pain.
You think it would be nice to live without pain? Nope. It would be disaster. Pain is there as a warning to our body: that something is wrong and something needs to be done. It is true, people have different threshold and react differently to the sensation. Nevertheless, you need it in your system.
Just think for a while. No pain. Numbness. You broke your bones and you cannot feel it. You cut yourself and notice only when there's blood dripping. You plunged into scalding hot water and doesn't feel a thing while your skin burns away.
No pain could lead to no fear. Sure. It's fear of getting hurt that usually stops us form doing what we want to do (or must do). But people with no pain could go on braving anything because they lack that one thing: the pain when you get hurt.

Reading the article makes think about this: that being normal, in all its shortcomings, is just PERFECT.

About amnesia? Later on. If I don't forget.

So folks, be thankful for those pains. It's part of your system as a human body.

Pohon jambu

Di depan rumah yang aku tinggali sekarang, yang sudah aku tinggali sejak aku lahir, dulu ada pohon jambu klutuk merah. Guava, nama kerennya.

Pohon jambu itu ngetop, bener. Setiap musim berbuah, anak2 SD ujung kompleks pulang sekolah selalu teriak2: Ooom, minta jambunya. Tante…, minta jambunya. Dan pohon jambu yang tadinya berbuah jambu jadi berbuah anak singkong.

Kadang2 pohon jambu itu berbuah anak perempuan berkulit putih baca buku. Itu aku, dulu. Pernah aku ngambek sama ibuku dan lari manjat pohon, baca buku. Baru turun setelah ibuku panik manggil2 aku gak ketemu2. Pernah juga, aku manjat tinggi2, sampe atas, dan nimpuk orang lewat dengan buah yang kecil2 mentah. Hehehe, nakal! Pernah juga, lagi asik2 panen, peganganku lepas dan aku mendarat di tanah, tiba2 langit menjadi pemandanganku.

Pohon jambu itu juga bisa jadi alasan kenapa aku gak bisa masak. Dulu, pembantuku (yang lebih mirip manajer rumah tangga), paling anti kalo aku masuk dapur. Jadilah aku melarikan diri ke pohon dan baca buku, atau nimpuk orang, atau sekedar melamun (sampe ada ulet bulu lewat…. Kalo udah begini, dijamin sampe musim ulet berlalu aku baru berani manjat lagi).

Awal remaja, pohon jambu jadi markas aku dan teman2ku. Berempat kita di atas, liat2 orang lewat, bergosip, dll. Entah pada ke mana sekarang teman2ku itu.

Sekarang udah tinggal kenangan, si pohon jambu itu. Mati dimakan rayap batang2nya. Anak2ku gak bisa manjat pohon. Mereka juga gak bisa manjat tiang bendera di depan rumah. Sayang…..

Blog addict

Hello, my name is Sapobi, and I am a blog addict.

My urge to write something down and put it in my blog comes every five minutes or so which sometimes makes it hard for me to focus on my work.

After the absence of blogging in the weekend, the urge is definitely stronger this Monday.

The last thing that comes up just seconds ago is this: freedom is to say and do whatever.... as long as it doesn't hurt other people even in the smallest way.

Oh, I’ve broken my fast again this morning, this time as early as 9 am. I was feeling that coldness again, the chill that comes from within my body, not from outside. Better warm up than to faint (which would create quite a stir at the office, I believe).

See you again later on, blog.

Anak kecil

Pernah perhatiin anak kecil? Kadang aku takjub sama mereka, sama energi yang mereka miliki. Dan kagum sama kemerdekaan dan kesungguhan mereka.

Waktu itu aku pernah nonton film Jepang, yang salah satu tokohnya (petugas tempat penitipan anak) bilang: buat anak2, setiap hari adalah peperangan. Semua hal dilakukan dengan sepenuh hati, dan kalau mereka sudah punya tujuan, tujuan itu akan dicapai tanpa menyerah.

Puitisnya begitu. Kenyataannya adalah: anak kecilku bisa ngomong “Mau permen” dalam interval 2 menitan selama setengah jam non-stop kalau dia memang pengen permen yang gak bakal aku kasih karena dia lagi batuk. Bener2 perang kekuatan mental. Dan anak kecilku yang satu lagi bisa bilang “Nggak” dengan tegasnya walaupun udah dibujuk, dikasih alasan panjang lebar, sampai akhrinya diancam kalo memang dia gak mau ngerjain sesuatu (misalnya mandi atau tidur).

Kesungguhan hati. Beneran. Dan butuh ketabahan luar biasa buat aku untuk bisa ngomong sama mereka tanpa kehilanga kesabaran (biasanya aku kalah – makin lama nada bicara makin tinggi dan buntutnya marah).

Tentang energi? Tadi pagi anakku yang besar bangun sahur dan gak tidur lagi, dan anakku kecil satunya ikut bangun dan gak tidur lagi sampe aku berangkat kantor. Dan selama dua jam di pagi buta itu mereka berkegiatan dengan asiknya: mbantu ngepel, nyuci, ngelap, dll, dan ngomong dengan suaranya yang keras (teriak?), dan, yang ini yang paling ‘nyebelin’, mbangunin mamanya yang lagi nikmat tidur. “Mama, mama…..bangun, udah terang!” Grrrhhhh…..

Aku bayangin, sementara ibunya terkantuk-kantuk di kantor, dengan kepala yang rasanya penuh angin, anak2 kecil itu hepi2 aja di rumah dan main seperti biasanya.

Setiap hari adalah perang buat mereka, perang yang tanpa korban.

Just some words

What to blog in this afternoon? I spent today preparing background data and finally writing a report for my boss. Turned out just 2 pages, 1-1/2 space. So short, hah? So short yet so much preparation needed. So my brain is in a kinda burnt out state now. Therefore I won’t blog much.
It’s weekend tomorrow. So see you again next week, blog.

Oh, a thought crossed my mind today:
Falling in love is both the most amazing and stupid thing that could happen to human.

Ciao!

Weird moon

It was indeed full moon last night, with clear blue sky. I gathered my children outside and together we looked at it. Then my eldest said:

“It’s a weird moon, Mom. The weirdest I’ve ever seen?”
“Oh? Why?”
“It’s not silver. Moon should be silver.”
“Indeed it is. It’s rather yellowy, don’t you think?”
“Yes, it is. It’s GOLDEN. Moon should not be golden.”
“Well….. sometimes moon does have different color. I’ve seen a pink one.”
“Pink? That’s weird”
“But anyway, look at that hallo. So big and beautiful, isn’t it? And the color, just like a rainbow.”
“Yes. It’s beautiful, but weird”

I hope it would turn silver once it was high in the sky. But late at night, when I looked at it again, it maintained it color: golden. I thought only early rising moon would have that color.

Weird? I wouldn’t say so. Amazing? Yes. There’s no limit to the greatness of the Creator, and the beauty we are allowed to see.

Sedih tak berujung (Glenn Fredly)

saat menjelang, hari-hari bahagiamu
aku memilih tuk diam dalam sepiku
saat mereka tertawa di atas pedihku
tentang cintaku yang kini tlah pergi tinggalkanku

aku tak perduli
sungguh tak perduli
inilah jalan hidupku

ingin aku kau genggam hatiku
simpan di dalam lubuk hatimu
tak tersisa untuk diriku
habis semua rasa di dada

selamat tinggal kisah tak berujung
kiniku 'kan berhenti berharap
perpisahan kali ini
tak 'kan menjadi kisah sedih yang tak berujung

La Luna

It’s going to be full moon tonight. The moon at its most majestic moment: round, shining, a bit arrogant.

When I was a kid, my mom used to take me out every time there’s a full moon and we both would looked up to it. Then she would tell me to follow her do this thing: place both palms on the cheeks, look at the bright shining moon, and say this mantra: “Oh beautiful full moon, give thy beauty to us so we may become as beautiful as you”.

Whether history has it say or not, I am a moon gazer. Whenever I’ve got the chance to go out at night, I’d look for the moon. And stare at it. There are no words enough to describe the awe of a full moon surrounded by a heavenly hallo.

Once, there was a blackout in the housing compound I live. Instead of total darkness, we had this soft bluish light coming from it. The world seemed to be bathed in this light, nicely and warmly. I looked at the light creating shadows of leaves and trees, I looked at the light on the street, and I looked at the light on my palm. For some moments that night, everything was peaceful. And there, on her throne in the cloudless sky, is the moon. Full, bright, shining, smiling.

La Luna. I hope to see you again tonight.

Kebahagiaan perempuan

Kebahagiaan adalah ketika seseorang merasa baik, cerah, kreatif, puas, mencintai dan dicintai, dan bebas.

Kebahagiaan itu termasuk juga dicintai oleh seorang laki-laki yang menghargai kekuatanmu dan bangga atas bakat-bakatmu.

Fatima Mernissi, Perempuan-perempuan Haremku

Good afternoon, blog

I felt so cold today, blog. So cold that my palm turned purplish, my lips and breath are like a breeze. You could use my palms for cold compress, really. I thought better to stop my fast, blog, afraid of fainting or something. So I broke the fast at about 10am. With hot ginger tea. Nice.

It’s now in the afternoon, blog. I am to go home in a short moment. Just tidying up things at the office, and look (with sinking heart) at my To-Do-List today. Half of the points in my list are not checked. Gosh. What have I done? What have I done?

No need to feel so desperate, though. I am and independent worker. So I thought of myself. Yeah, right. Who am I kidding? With the evaluation looming, I should be more careful of my works. Well, I should’ve been careful with my works since January 2004, for crying out loud! Okay, two months to correct myself. Is that a galley I see in the distance? Oh, no…. I’m to be hanged soon. Forgive me for all my sins….

Sometimes I wonder how I would fare outside this beloved company. It’s my ninth year here. Pretty good marriage, don’t you think? But in marriage you are not supposed to even wondering how you would fare outside. All in that is for you to take. Supposed to.

In life, there’s too much variables, too much determining factors. So take it as it is. Keep on living. No matter what.

I felt cold, today, blog. Real cold.

In a world where everyone struggles to survive whatever the cost, how could one judge those people who decide to die? (Veronika decides to die by Paul Coelho, p.13)

Morning, blog

Start your day with a blog.
A blog a day keeps the doctor away.

Hahaa. Those would be my new motto. Whoever invent this online diary, thanks to you! It has become a need: to blog. At least a very pressing need indeed when I am stationed in front of a computer with nicely working internet connection, that is. And besides, life at the office is too hectic and stressing without a let up.

So, blog. How are you doing today? Receive many entries yet?

Oh, a good and bad news: my friend got a baby boy born to him last Thursday (Oct 21). That’s the good news. The bad news? The baby was born with a stretch of skin covering his anus so that he has to undergo operation to make a hole and to create a rectum. Too bad.

Makes me really really grateful for the perfection of my twins. Of all the things that could’ve gone wrong (Siamese twins, one twin died of Twin-to-Twin-Transfusion (occurs when there’s only one sac for both and only one major umbilical cord – which seemed to be the case of my twins), my active cysts exploding or inflamed) – all went smoothly. Thanks, God.

The twins. Should write a lengthy entry about them, someday.

Well, that’s all for the morning, blog. See you again today in the afternoon.

Sebel (?)

Kenapa orang bisa jadi sebel? Mungkin karena ada kesenjangan antara harapan dan kenyataan. Apa yang dimau dan apa yang didapat. Bukan, bukan tentang kecewa – kecewa itu masalah yang lebih besar lagi dari sekedar sebel. Kalau kecewa, ada unsur merasa ‘tertipu’.

Sebel itu lebih ke hal2 yang kecil. Bukan yang mendasar. Sebel itu kalo disuruh nunggu 5 menit tapi jadi 15 menit (ya kan, Kik?). Sebel itu aku bilang aku mo telpon tapi terus lupa. Sebel itu kalo aku pengen ke mal tapi gak berani bilang terus jadi bete dan jadinya kamu sebel karena aku bete (ya kan, Kik?).

Kalo lagi sebel biar gak sebel gimana hayo? Mirip ama nahan marah, kali. Tarik napas, dan lupakanlah. Ato cari hiburan.

Kecuali kalo sebelnya udah ndeketin kecewa, udah rada2 dalem dikit. Kalo itu mah susah ilangnya. Entah faktor yang bikin sebelnya berubah, ato ya itu tadi: lupakanlah.

Tapi orang mah daya ingetnya kalo untuk hal2 yang bikin sebel / kecewa kan bisa se-iPod gitu. 20 GB. Dan kayak iPod, portable banget, dibawa2 ke mana2. Kalo perlu di-share pula filenya, jadi sohib2 kita juga ketularan sebelnya. Susah dah.

Segitu aja dulu tentang sebel. Takut bikin sebel orang yang udah nunggu aku di bawah.

Salam. Selamat berbuka puasa. Take care, you all.

Rules of the road (solution)

So, the solution for putting order to the nasty motorcycle riders, did you ask?

I believe in embedding the needs of rules for creating order first. This may be accomplished by a campaign of relentless “mind washing” as well as adequate reward and punishment program. A program that runs non-stop for two year would suffice.

Say the city administrator is to put mega number of volunteers, already trained to understand every single correct rule of traffic into the streets. These volunteer would be given the authority matching that of the traffic police, meaning they could stop, ask for proper documents, and give tickets (tilang). These volunteers are brainwashed not to accept bribery in whatever form, big or small. A violation of the rule is a violation of the rule. Not more, not less. But there will be degree of violation: minor, medium, major, and fatal. Of course, punishment for different degree of violation would be different, too.

Every SIM (drivers’ license) would be barcoded, and there will be integrated national data on every holder of a driver license. So whenever a driver goes, his data follows him. Either he violates a rule in Semarang or in Sibolga, these violations would show in his record.

Each driver is allocated maximum number of violation. If he is overquota, the driver license would be suspended and he will be prohibited to drive for a certain period of time.

Triple suspension would result in permanent termination of license. So he will be condemned to use the public transportation for the rest of his life. Re-applying for a license is possible but on very strict conditions.

So, if put in short, the basic things needed are:
Integrated and fully computerized data with adequate resources nation-wide
Strict compliance to the rules
Strong reinforcement

Those three will need MAJOR investment. That’s for the officials up there to find out.

Keep on dreaming, Lass.

To blog or not to blog

That is the question.
I have told myself to blog every workday. Weekend and holiday I cannot, because, dear friend, I blog from the office. The privilege of PC at my home with good connection is yet to be granted to me.

I blog for the sake of my mind coz I have lots of things going on in my mind, albeit small and trivial. Like this one. What the heck am I doing writing about blog in my blog?

Well, I am feeling rather not well. Seems like a cold has been at my heel since weekend. It hasn’t bitten me yet, but dizzy I am with sore throat today. And today, I got caught in this never ending meeting with confusing minutes to take and lots of topics that need sorted out. That, my friend, is my main job in a meeting, apart for actually doing what I’ve written.

Hopefully the afternoon would find me in better condition. And mood. It’s very me to be down both mentally and physically at the same time.

Ciao!

Condolence

My colleague lost her father in the weekend. Before that, just months ago, she lost her only brother.

May God bring her the strength to live on and be the happy person she always is. Amen.

From ashes to ashes, and dust to dust.

Rules of the road

Rules are meant to be broken. So some people say. I won’t second that.
Rules are there for a reason, mainly: Order.

And so do sign lights in your vehicle. But here, those nasty little daredevils seem to think that sign lights are merely accessories. Instead of turning on their sign lights, which equip their motorcycle nicely, and which I believe are to be operated with minimum difficulty, they deliberate on making other road users as body-language readers.

Some of the language I manage to interpret: the hunching means he’s on to getting more speed, the leaning of body to the left (or right) means he would take the left (or right) lane – cutting you in front. Others are to random to generalized, and have to be taken on each particular occasion. But all in all, the message is clear: CAUTION! They may make sudden move without prior notice.

Sometimes, I just wanna whack them in the helmet and say: use your sign lights, for crying out loud! It’s for their own good: minimizing false interpretation and further accident.

Apart from the sign light episode, the one thing that makes me really want to murder them is the overtaking of the sidewalk. Sidewalks, just in case you don’t know, are for pedestrians. And just in case you don’t understand the meaning of the word “pedestrian”, well, to tell you shortly: it’s the people who walk. WALK.

In one moment, I remember vividly, I braved the mass of these rules-breaking machos, and walked head on into them. One of them shouted: “Are you going to commit suicide or something?” for which reply I gave him a menacing glare. If only look could kill.

Sometimes, they sound their honks on me. To that, I will look them through their glass-covered face and say: It’s MY way. You move over!

The roads in Jakarta follow the simple rule of ‘hukum rimba’. You win when you are the strongest (= the biggest). So the bus elbowing on the car, the car pushing the motorcycle over, and the motorcycle takes it out on the pedestrian. Poor us pedestrian who are at the bottom of the ring.

Perhaps, there will be time when pedestrians unite, creating a solid mass of walking human, and take over the road, armed with sheer determination not to be pushed over. Be sure, I'll be one speck of the mass.

mmpppphhh.....

This is definitely not the best day of my life. Don't take me wrong, I enjoy life today. But I can't escape from feeling that things could've been better.

To elevate my mood, why don't I think of something that is enjoyable? How about: body scrubbing? Yes yes yes.

One of the indulgences I allow myself is that: body scrubbing. Mmmppppphhhh.

Direction:
Take handful of scrub paste, spread it gently, rub the scrub in circular motion, make sure that all parts that are supposed to be covered are covered. All done in leisurely manner, take all the time, let the world outside go about their things. Empty your mind.... enjoy the moment.....enjoy the sensation of scrub rubbing against skin...Rinse off with lots and lots and lots of time under hot shower. Finish off with generous spray of oil mist. Pat yourself dry. If oil mist is not available, body butter would do just fine after dry yourself.

Believe me, that body would feel different. After that, do something that would make you feel more mmmmpppphhhh. Reading, perhaps. Or enjoying a long iced drink. Better yet, do nothing. Just close your eyes, body resting peacefully, and absorb the sensation. Breath in, breath out. Succumb to silence and stillness.

Live is indeed beautiful!

Nulis

Temen gw ada yang ndorong gw buat nulis di majalah umum. Katanya gw pasti bisa lah... Entah kenapa, gw sampe saat ini gak punya keberanian buat nulis di tempat umum gitu. Ada juga yg bilang: kalo takut ya pake nama samaran ajah. Bisa juga dicoba kali tuh.

Loe bilang, kalo takut nulis di tempat umum kok nulis di blog? Blog mah.... yang baca juga paling temen2 deket gw doang. Kl yang laen2 kayaknya kagak deh, kecuali orang iseng2.

Menurut loe, yang suka baca blog gw, ada harapan gak sih: tulisan gw dimuat? Gak usah yang susah2, paling hal2 kecil ttg hidup ajah. Kayak pengalaman bis gw itu.... bisa banyak tuh kalo dikembangin.

Btw, bos gw nyuruh gw nulis buat profile yg mo dikirim ke kantor pusat di Amrik. Gileng. Ini mah tgjwb-nya mengerikan. Kl fiksi kan gak ada batasnya. Lah profile? Serem.

Dah itu aja dulu deh. Kalo nulis di blog tiap hari mah gw gak takut!

Puasa

It's the 6th day of Ramadhan, the fasting month. So far, so good, at least physically. Got lots of works to do, yet my brain seems to think that this is holiday. Rather slow to respond, and needs to be reminded to get the job done. Maybe the result of interrupted sleep.

This year is the first year my eldest join the puasa. She seems to have no problem fending off hunger. Well, she used to have trouble eating right in the first place. What amazes me is she can actually wake up at 3.30 AM, have her meal, sleep again to be waken up at 6.00 to get ready for school. She breaks the fast once she got home from school, at around 12.30 PM. All seems so easy for her.

My approach to puasa is very much depends on my 'mood'. Several times I had forsaken it all together because I didn't feel like to. To my logic, why doing something so sacred as this if my heart is not into it? Better as well not doing it at all.

In my highschool day, when everyone there taken me for a christian, I fasted. No one knew. I was just as active as usual, training for the 'paskibra', doing everything just as I ordinarily would. My friends told me: easy for you to maintain your activities. You are not fasting. If only they knew.

This year, I fast. For what particular reason I am not sure. I haven't committed myself to the religion yet. Maybe it's more about pushing myself to control myself. Not just physically, but also mentally. As long as there's good that can be expected, why not?

Peace be upon you.

sorry, no blog for today. busy having meetings

The absence

Sometimes, the only time you were aware of something is thru its absence. The void it creates gives you a strange feeling that something is not quite right.

You go through life and take most of things in it for granted. Once they’re gone, there’s a pang in your heart. It’s the absence of those you never pay attention to.

An acute sense of loss would be felt if what’s gone is something that is dear to us. The absence of it would create a gaping hole. A hole so big and deep it may never be filled again. I am yet to feel that kind of loss.

So how must I take it? To take and savor every grain of life and make sure I am thankful for each of them before they become an absence?

Of life and belief

What do you think of your life? Is it beautiful? Is it full of contentment? How do you rate it: satisfactory? Just so-so? How do you see where it’s heading: better tomorrow, just the same, or taking a dip?

I take life one day at a time. I don’t generally plan for the future. I take problem as it arises, and don’t think much about the long-term effect of it. Live for today!

I am no good at strategy, thinking of three steps to take in advance just muddle up my mind. That’s why I don’t play chess, and I don’t enjoy card games. My take on life is just like that. No strategy. Just bring it on.

Yet, I had trouble loosing the past. It bites me deep, leaves it mark, and I bear it until who knows when. To forget, to forgive. Forgive I think I can, but my random memory usually chose not to forget. Come to think of it, how come you forgive but not forget? Don’t they come as one package?

‘Tis the month of Ramadhan. Probably the holiest month in the Islam calendar. I ought to forget and forgive and clear my heart and purify my conscious. How do I acheive that, I suppose? My soul bearing the scrapes and wounds of previous times? My heart keeping dark secrets of my thoughts and feelings?

I should be thanking life for what it has given me. How do I do that? Is it by committing myself to religion? I believe in God, I believe in the mightiness.

A thought crossed my mind today: should I die, how would they burry me? How would they conduct the prayers? How would I want it to be done?

Maybe it’s time for me to choose a way. Maybe.

Let me leave it at that. Like many times before, I had thought, and then did nothing about it. It may end up just like those many times.

Peace be upon you.

In the Bus

No, this will not be about me being the last person people want to sit with. It’s about other bus experiences.

You know, there are a lot of live entertainments you can have in the bus. Fist, there’s the all classic singer with his guitar. In this type of entertainment, you may find yourself sometimes lucky enough to have a real singer with nice voice. But that chance would be about 1 in 25. The 24 are rather a nuisance: singing off-key, singing too loud, singing not loud enough he looks like someone who is saying his prayer under his breath, or singing religious song. Personally I prefer them not to sing religious songs, it’s rather “provocative” to hear them in such a place as bus. Save those for a more appropriate time and surrounding.

Next, singer with percussions. This could be interesting. Some were armed with used Yakult bottles filled halfway with rice. That would serve as ‘maracas’, I guess. Others resort to Aqua bottle used in a similar fashion. The classic piece of board with flattened-out bottle caps nailed loosely is hard to find nowadays. Some would have rebana or tambourine. In several occasions, I met a whole 4-person band. Yup. One handling the makeshift drum (usually made of stretched plastic or other sheet over round metal frame, sometimes crossed over with chain for more sound effect), one minding the guitar, one would be the leading focal, and the other may be blowing into his harmonica, or simply being backing vocal. Imagine the mightiness of their instruments reverberate in the bus. Rather deafening indeed. Entertaining, nevertheless.

Once, I was ‘honored’ enough to have live violin. What the heck a person with violin-playing ability husking in the bus remains a mystery to me. Here in Jakarta, violin is surely not a common item. And the chance of learning it usually afforded to the haves only. And yet, this young man is playing it in the bus for meager changes.

(to be continued)

Maaf (Jikustik)

Kau, menyisakan tangis pertengkaran semalam di antara kita
Kini, ku harus berdiri di tepian hati
Bimbang tuk memilih

Kau harus tahu, dalam hatiku bergetar
Waktu kutahu, kau terluka saat aku
Buatmu menangis, buatmu bersedih
Inginku memelukmu dan ucapkan maaf
Maafkan aku, maafkan aku, maafkan aku…

Aku , akupun mencoba, tuk beri yang terbaik untuk kau miliki
Kini, ku harus berdiri di tepian hati
Bimbang tuk memilih

Kau harus tahu, dalam hatiku bergetar
Waktu kutahu, kau terluka saat aku
Buatmu menangis, buatmu bersedih
Inginku memelukmu dan ucapkan maaf
Maafkan aku, maafkan aku, maafkan aku…

Maafkan aku, maafkan aku, maafkan aku….

Buat kau menangis, buatmu bersedih
Ingin ku memelukmu, dan ucapkan maaf
Maafkan aku….
Maafkan aku…
(buatmu menangis buatmu bersedih)…

Maafkan aku…

tired

am tired, too tired to think
want to forget about lots of things
that my heart would not let go

enough of these feelings
enough!

Sendiri

Kamu tidak akan pernah bisa meraih ke dalam hati dan benak seseorang. Bahkan jika ia telah membuka pintu hati dan benaknya selebar-lebar yang ia bisa.

Kamu tak akan pernah mengalami apa yang ia alami, bahkan ketika kamu berada di tempat dan waktu yang sama saat pengalaman itu terjadi.

Kamu tak akan pernah memahami hal-hal yang bisa membuatnya tersenyum ketika menatap bulan dan matanya yang menerawang.

Kamu tak akan pernah mencapai kedalaman jiwanya, pada inti dirinya, betapa pun kamu hidup bersamanya siang dan malam.

Jiwa, benak dan hatinya adalah miliknya sendiri.

Masalah Kebiasaan

Kebiasaan emang susah diubah. Tapi susah bukan berarti gak bisa, ternyata. Dan setelah punya kebiasaan baru, ternyata kebiasaan lama yang keliatannya udah nyaman dan nempel banget bisa juga jadi gak nyaman dan gak begitu nempel lagi.

Contoh kasus:
Saya terbiasa pake celana panjang, setiap hari, untuk ke kantor, dilengkapi dengan sepatu boots. Boro-boro pake rok dan selop cantik. Jauuuuhhhh…… Tapi karena suatu hal, akan lebih baik buat saya kalo gak tiap hari pake celana panjang. Dan juga karena ada hal lain, saya jadi coba2 pake rok. Dan selop cantik. Setelah sekian bulan pake kostum begitu, sekarang saya jadi jarang pake celana panjang dan boots lagi. Gerah.

Dulu, amit2 disuruh pake rok. Dibayar juga belom tentu mau. Sekarang? Koleksi rok kantor emang baru sekitar 5 biji lah. Ada juga rok yang rada2 manis sekitar 2 – 3 biji. Dan terasa nikmatnya…..Udah tampil lebih manis (konon…), jari2 kakiku yang agak pink juga jadi terpamerkan berkat selop bertali (hehehe). Dan ternyata, masih tetap bisa ngebut juga, bahkan lari, dengan kostum begini.

Ada satu problem: kakiku yang selalu keringetan ternyata bisa jadi hazard juga. Terbukti suatu siang aku makan keluar kantor, yang musti naik busnya busway dulu, nanjak dan turun pake jembatan busway yang nan panjang itu. Kakiku gak mau kompromi, keringetan gak keruan. Terpaksalah aku jalan dengan amat sangat hati2 dan pelan2: aku kepeleset di dalam selopku sendiri. Konyol banget rasanya, dan udah pengen nyeker aja. Demi khalayak, aku bertahan.

Emang, berubah itu harus datang dari diri sendiri (pake dorongan dari luar lebih oke sih). Tapi yang paling penting: ENJOY! Apapun keputusan kamu.

Live, Love, Laugh!

Berlin, May 2003

Berlin was one of my happiest moments in life.

I haven’t seen my hubby for almost 5 months straight, communicating by e-mails, YM, and phone only. I went to see him in May 2003. After landing in Kastrup, Copenhagen, he brought me to Malmoe. Malmoe is only about half-an-hour train trip from the airport while it’s already a different country. Malmoe is in Sweden, while Copenhagen is the capital of Denmark.

I spent my arriving day walking around Malmoe, fighting not to sleep so that I would not be overcome by jetlag. The next day, I was bound to Berlin.

We started very early in the morning as our appointment was 6 am in Copenhagen central station, a little farther than Kastrup. In that country, you can’t miss even by one minute. Then the journey began: by couch, by ferry, by couch again. I’ll tell you something funny about ferry ride and the laws of water – in separate entry that would be.

After seven hours of travel, there we were: Berlin.

Rather disappointing, at first. Coming from the all clean Sweden, a not-so-clean Copenhagen, Berlin definitely looked trodden. We came by the East side, perhaps the feeling was rather gloomy there. The walls were barren in our hotel room, down in Alexander Platz – once the hip center of East Berlin.

We then started to walk. Among the museums (Berlin are swarmed in museums), abandoned Soviet-era buildings (you can’t help but saw the ugliness), the mighty block of the former USSR Embassy (so big and grand) near the Brandenburg Torg.

The mighty Brandenburg. Behind it the wall used to stand. There, just a few steps from where the wall was used to be, were erected some memorials of people who died trying to escape. The last one was just few days before the wall were torn down. Tragic.

Berlin was one of the happiest moments I had in my life, didn’t I say so? There we were, me and my hubby, so very far apart from the usual life we had. No kids, no parents. The two of us, just the two of us, among all these strangers.

We walked and walked and walked in Berlin. We hugged, we kissed, we held on to each other. I was so free there. I grinned and smiled a lot there. It was cold for me, and once we walked the whole day and evening without resolving to use any other mean of transportation. But I enjoyed every minute of it.

Enclosed in those barren walls, tucked under the white sheet, the rain outside with cold wind that bit into my cheeks, I felt so free and save. Nothing could happen to us, nothing could come between me and my hubby.

(Alas, life is not that simple. After Berlin, my story would turn out different. Berlin was, at that time, the moment of my most and utter happiness.)

Horizontal

It was my target on Sunday to be as horizontal as possible. No going out to the shops, no cleaning or tidying up my disastrous room. Just lay back, lay on my stomach, lay on my side, minimum standing or walking around. Great plan.

It so happened that my Rania was not feeling well, so I cuddled up with her in the morning. Cuddling up done, I went to my book and started reading – on my stomach. Some exercise occurred when I had to supervise my girls having a bath, putting on their clothes, and eating their breakfast. Once they were peacefully watching teve and played among themselves, I read again. But not for long. You know how kids are, they have short attention span. Peaceful minutes were soon gone, and I told them: okay, you can play with Mommy, you can ride on my back, but just don’t ask me to shut my book.

Quite working, the plan. I didn’t go anywhere save the trip to my Mother-in-law’s home to pick up my eldest and to Gramedia to get those glitter glues. After that, another horizontal pose with Rania (tucking her to bed). Dinner, another reading session, and off I went to Slumberland.

That’s when things went ‘great’. My dear Rania, having too much sleep during the day, woke up in the middle of the night and started her battery of demands in interval of about every hour. First, a glass of water, which she demanded on top of her lung and right into my ear canal. Next, her big pillow. After that, a tap on her butt and back rub. That, followed by another glass of water, and those little itchy bumps I have to attend to.

Today, I must try to be as vertical as I can be. But gravity (and that barrage of my client’s needs) does have it toll. How I long to be horizontal again, with soft pillow under my head, closed curtain and soft light, and utter silence. No work, no kids, no one, but me and my sleepy head. Unconscious.

Keep on dreaming, baby.

back to life

am back to life today, oh yeah! full of energy.... full of hopes..... full of dreams....hungry as ever.

just got back from my daughter's school, they were having this exhibition of the students' works. not bad. it's the good way of learning, i think, to create something in the process and not just reading the books.

btw, who am i to say? me, who spent the majority of my waking days reading (that - before marriage and kids). i am, well, at least i used to be someone who let life passed by. my window thru life is my books, my magazine, things i read, things i watched. that made me know that orca is the highest predator in the sea, and the most advanced, too. so what?

you know what? i am afraid of people (at least i used to). they have too many elements i have to deal with. too many elements mean too many things to think of, and too many things to think of means too much stress for me. so i forsake them and lived in a world of my own. where my rules and my values reign. no one to contest me.

am not that extreme anymore. people are nice, they too open windows to the world. am still lost sometimes at what the right thing to do or say. when in such situation, my rule of thumb is: just be myself. a bit nicer version of me, of course, for socialization's sake.

this is sapobi starting her morning at work with a smile, and hope to end it with even bigger smile.

end of transmission

errhghhhgggghhhh......kkrzzzzzkkk..
Sapobi.....
finally reaching gateway.......
end of transmission

(message intercepted at 0554zulu)

mayday... mayday...not enough power

(this transmission was intercepted by USS Galactica, in Q2375-65", 0857zulu)

mayday...mayday.... Sapobi has lost her engine
now using standby power
would not be able to reach gateway

mayday...mayday..mayday
need to recharge

mayday....may.....gghhhrkkkk..sshhhhrrrgggg....

(transmission of message ended)

..errrr...how about food?

Wanna write but don't know what to write.

Hmm... okay, any topic, anyone? Any... topic?

Well, I am having nasi uduk with telor and tahu and kerupuk. My breakfast. Let's talk about food, then. And cooking.

I don't like cooking. I almost despise cooking. Cannot stand the feeling of all those raw materials in my hands. Eugh. My hubby likes cooking. He cooked for himself while he was in Malmoe, and enjoyed it. He cooked when he felt stress out. I would be stressed out to cook.

I do appreciate food, though, a lot. It is a work of art. Even simple dishes - cause for me to be able to create edible food is just beyond me (at least at this time). I like trying new food, as long as I know what's inside them. I am yet to go venture out to the 'exotic' and 'the gross', though. Like those fried bugs in Thailand, bats in Manado, snakes, and the likes. Normal ingredients like chicken, lamb, seafood, beef would do just fine. A bit picky about fish, and don't give me things that are not well done. Oh, sushi and sashimi would be exception. When the mood was right, I do enjoy them.

Ever tried tempura udon? Nice. They come in this enourmous bowl that looks more like a baskom than a bowl, the big and slippery noodle submerged in generous amount of sweetish broth. Accompanied by tempura (those two big deep-fried shrimps covered in flour) and also deep-fried veggies (usualy onion, ubi, buncis and sometimes carrot), tempura udon would definitely make my stomach full. No need to order drink, just finish up the broth. With a straw, if needed (no, this one is a joke). Oh, add a sprinkle of powdered chilly, and the dish hits perfect note.

Food, the necessity that has gone into an art of living.

Hail to you oh the world's cooks!

This is Sapobi starting her day of work.

Pink soaps

I am always suspicious of pink soap. They tend to pack too much feminity in them: the overflowing soft floral fragrance, and the color itself. I would not buy pink soaps. Perhaps only when there are no other choices available.

LAKI-LAKI

(topik ini sumbangan dari teman perjalananku ke Pekanbaru, 1 Oktober 2004, dalam pesawat Lion JT 362, seat number 3)

Apa yang membuat seorang pria bisa disebut sebagai LAKI-LAKI?

Tanggung jawab, katanya. Ia kebetulan pria, jadi mari kita tanya lebih lanjut: tanggung jawab seperti apa yang membuat orang bisa disebut sebagai laki-laki?

Atas pertanyaan ini, dia ngelantur.

Jadi, aku saja yang beri sumbangan ide: menurut aku laki-laki itu baru sejati kalau ia ‘true to his words’. Singkatnya: dia gak bo’ong, gak tepu, gak ngeles, dan kalo janji gak maen2. Esensinya itulah.

Kalo dia kebetulan romantis, baek, penuh perhatian, macho, fit, dan ‘bertenaga’, ya itu semua bonuslah. Tetep aja yang paling penting adalah: man of his words.

Oh, satu lagi: jadi laki2 sejati berarti yakin pada dirinya sendiri bahwa dia cukup LAKI-LAKI dan gak perlu merasa terancam oleh kehadiran wanita yang beda (wanita2 yang berlaku di luar konvensi umum ttg wanita).

Sudah, dua itu saja. Rasanya…

The General

Battle preparation had already begun
When a general came
And saw that things were not
What they supposed to be

Immediately taking command
He righted what were wrong
And soon went on into briefing
For the morrow’s battle

The general watched
The general led
The general left

Another duty awaited him, perhaps
And it were left to us
To finish up
And clean the aftermath

swimming

It’s finally done, the event that kept me in this room until I wrote the 9.10 entry. Some chattering can still be heard, but the main feeling I have is that of drowsiness.

I swam this morning, for about 25 minutes straight. Alone. Totally alone. Nice.

Swimming gives me sensations beyond words. The feeling I have from submerging myself in the blue water, the coolness, the freedom I feel seeing the open sky: Slivers of sun rays through the leaves, blue sky without boundaries, pieces of clouds floating gently.

I wonder if our souls are just like the floating clouds:

We are here on our journeys
To gather someday, somewhere
To go back as rain
Fall to the ground
Back to the river
And be floating clouds again

Maybe that’s why I like swimming: I see my soul in its journey.

9.10pm

It’s already ten past nine pm today, and I am still here. Not with my daughters, having the nightly battle as usual (re: The Clients). I miss them. So, what the heck am I doing now?

Tomorrow, the company where I work for would have a web launch in this city. We are still setting things up. Yeah. I am hungry, though. Haven’t got my dinner yet (well, the three of us haven’t).

Don’t know what to write anymore. Just want to do something else than keeping on the setting up going. A nice warm soak would be nice. Later on. Just hang in there.

Oh, just got calls from my daughters. Those Silly Melon Heads. Miss them pretty bad tonight. Maybe first time in my life I feel that I really miss them. I didn’t miss them much even when I went to see my hubby in Malmoe. Or maybe I shut down the feeling on purpose, so that I could concentrate on my time with him.

Malmoe. That’s worthy of separate entries.
It’s a town on the southern part of Sweden, much more closer to Copenhagen (which is in Danmark), rather than to Stockholm – its capital.

Malmoe.
Millions of miles away from my home, the distance that separated me and my hubby (and him and his family) for five hundred days.

Malmoe. It evokes in me numerous emotions, memories.

This is Sapobi signing off.

The Clients

It was nearing 10 pm, my eyes were getting heavy, sound started to drone, and I was nearing the state of oblivion. Yet, a constant but random interruption occurred. It came from my foremost clients: the twins.

Hasna, lying on my left, was asking for a back rub. And what a back rub it was! She kept saying a little to the top, not there, a bit down…., no – no – no, rather to the side. I wonder how she could’ve had so many points on her small back that itched.

Rania, the one on my right, kept asking for me to gently tap her. Then she asked also for a back rub. Then she changed again for a butt tap. Then she asked for water. Then she asked for her big pillow. Then she asked me to take the big pillow. Then she asked again for her big pillow to hug on. Then..then…then…

And I was losing my calm. It’s a nightly battle, this one. Trying to keep up with the clients’ need while keeping my patience (which I have very little of to start with). Oh, it is such a laugh to discuss it in the following morning. But at the very moment, it was nothing funny. I was tired, and having my descend to slumber aborted with such demands was simply maddening.

Sometimes, my clients came up with such original demand. Once, Rania wanted to wash her face – at 1 AM in the morning! Other time, having missed her afternoon nap and went too early to bed, she woke up at 2 AM and asked to go out to watch teve. Pretty funny indeed.

Ha pum pum and Silly Melon Head

I’ve read them stories, sang Danny Boy + Edelweiss + Bulan di Langit to them, and exchanged I-Love-You. Then my eldest said to me: “Ha pum pum, mommy”. I replied in an instant: “Ha pum pum to you, too, Biya”. My twins caught on, and soon we were exchanging “Ha pum pum”.

There’s a lot of ways to say I-Love-You, and my kid just created a new one.

But then, she added, “Ha pum pum to you, Silly Melon Head Mommy.” She’s been saying that SMH for days now. I didn’t have a slightest idea what they meant and where she got it. So I asked. Turned out she watched a Sagwa the Siamese Cat episode where Sagwa’s father once put a hollowed-water melon on his head, hence the Silly Melon Head.

Well, a lot of ha pum pum to you, my little Silly Melon Head.

One plus one equals ??

In the game of assumption, the simple answer to the question “how much is one plus one” would not be the correct one.

One plus one equals two would be too simple, too straightforward and therefore not worthy of discussion or gossiping.

To the imaginative and unlimited mind, there are myriad of choices of answer to the question. It may be fifteen, it may be just four, and it may be twelve, but never two.

A simple checking, or confirming, would reveal the correct answer. But alas, sometimes the truth is not what we sought. It is more fun to construct truth, and believing the lies we build it upon.

Dear friends, one plus one equals two. Not less, not more.

The Almighty

God is Almighty.

Tuhan bersifat Maha. Ketika Ia Maha Pengampun, Ia juga bisa menjadi Maha Pemarah. Tuhan yang Maha Baik, juga Maha Kejam. Ke-Maha-anNya tidak terbatas. Dan Ia bisa berada di titik terekstrem dari segalanya yang terang dan dari segalanya yang gelap.

Hanya ada satu Tuhan. Dan Ia menguasai semua apa yang ada di dunia. Dengan sifatnya yang Maha, maka ia melingkupi juga titik-titk terekstrem dari sifat-sifat yanga ada di dunia.

Seperti juga Tuhan ada pada setiap keindahan di dunia, Ia juga ada pada setiap bencana dahsyat yang menghancurkan.

Setidaknya begitulah apa yang dapat kutangkap dari apa yang suamiku sampaikan.

Bagiku, aku cukup berterima kasih pada Tuhan atas SEGALA rasa yang aku rasakan: senang – susah, gembira – sedih, joy – sorrow, happiness – despair, kemarahan – cinta, kebencian - kasih. Aku tidak bisa merasakan hal yang satu tanpa tahu hal yang lainnya.

I thank Thee, oh God, for every second of my life, for every sensation I feel, for every emotion You evoke in me. I thank Thee, oh God, for every single thing in this life.

Tentang amarah

Harus ditaruh di mana amarahku

Berkobar-kobar
Mukaku memerah
Jiwaku bersemangat
Darah mengalir cepat
Jantung berdetak
Dan aku lupa diri
Menjadi amat tolol
Malu pada diri sendiri

Tentang kebencian

Aku pernah merasakan benci
Yang merasuki hatiku
Bagai tinta hitam yang merambat
Pelan-pelan di kertas
Yang putih

Aku pernah merasakan benci
Hingga hilang warna-warni
Hanya ada kepekatan
Mengental

Aku pernah merasakan benci
Yang tidak ingin kuulang lagi

Song Lyrics

It was already ten past nine, and they definitely should have closed their eyes and gone to Slumberland. Yet, here they were, with me, in single bed, singing and writing song lyrics. My 7-year-old sang, I jot down the words on her small white board, and my 3-year-old followed on with ‘banging’ her head. It was “Numb”, one of those loud pieces from Linkin’ Park.

Welcome to today’s motherhood.

Being a mom means keeping in reality check on what my kids are listening, watching, etc. So Linkin’ Park it is. Thanks to my big bro who religiously plays the tunes like, every other day or so.

But okay, time to cool off. So we went with another song, this time, a sentimental classic: Edelweiss. After that, 3-minute stretching and exchanges of good-night’s and I-love-you’s. Sleep well, sweet dream. And soon reality vanished.

life is

That's life. Everything in it is for keep. Everything.

Takuan (Mushashi by Eiji Yoshikawa)

So, what's done cannot be undone. All the things you've done are there and cannot be repeated or cancelled. Every single thing. Whether you remember or not. Whether you did it on purpose or not. Whether it brought you happiness or sorrow, whether it caused joy or pain to others you've had contact with.

All is there. Not one can be erased. You'd die with them. With everything you've done in your life.

snapped!!!

pencil snapped, emotion goes free
no limits, no boundaries

i just screamed
and really had it

to my dismay
and to my regret

To choose or not to choose

My father, bless him and the Orde Baru education, once said over dinner that 'we must choose, or don't stay here in Indonesia. We must make our choice.' To him, chosing a presidential candidate on the election is an obligation, not a right.

With presidential election only 3 days to go, and with my favorite candidate already ousted in the previous round, I rather not choose. Well, to not choose is also a choice, isn't it? Besides, it's our RIGHT, and not using our right is a right in itself. Got it?

Anyway, how I am going to exercise my right is still open to aternatives: should I back out entirely and join the elite "golput", should I come to the election booth but the leave the paper blank or should I make a non-valid vote? Still 3 days to ponder.

Long Live Indonesia, with all its shortcomings. Hope whoever got the throne knows what to do to make this country worth living.

Amen!

Senyum

Apa yang terkandung dalam sebuah senyuman? Bisa banyak, bisa sedikit.

Senyum bisa berarti sekedar pelayanan. Seorang pemeriksa barang dan satpam di bank akan selalu tersenyum pada setiap tamu yang ia hadapi. Itu sudah merupakan sebagian dari pekerjaannya. Seorang teller juga akan tersenyum, itu juga sudah merupakan bagian dari kewajibannya. Dan saya juga akan tersenyum kembali pada mereka, karena itu bagian sopan santun saya sebagai sesama manusia.

Senyum bisa menggantikan kata "terima kasih". Pada seseorang yang memberikan saya tempat duduk di bus, jika keadaan terlalu hiruk pikuk untuk berkata-kata, saya akan memastikan bahwa ia melihat senyum saya, dan tahu bahwa saya berterima kasih padanya. Dan lagi-lagi, itu juga merupakan bagian dari sopan santun kan?

Setiap kali tersenyum, saya mengusahakan agar itu datang dari hati, betapapun untuk hal yang sepele.

Kadang saya tersenyum untuk diri sendiri, karena saya pikir itu bisa membuat saya terlihat lebih ramah dan bersahabat buat orang lain. Saya punya kecenderungan untuk berwajah cemberut pada saat saya diam dan terlebih pada saat saya berpikir. Dan saya harus terus-menerus mengingatkan diri saya sendiri untuk mengendurkan wajah saya dan tersenyum.

Senyum anak-anak saya merupakan senyum paling asli. Anak-anak tersenym karena mereka tersenyum. Karena memang maunya tersenyum. Bukan untuk menampilkan image, bukan karena tuntutan pekerjaan, dan bukan karena aturan sopan santun.

Tapi apa pun alasan yang dipakai orang untuk tersenyum, ekspresi yang satu ini rasanya memang jauh lebih menyenangkan untuk didapat daripada ekspresi-ekspresi lainnya.

Ketika sedang sedih, sedang bermasalah, soerang sahabat yang mengusap lembut pundakmu sambil tersenyum bisa menghilangkan sebagian rasa sakit yang kamu derita.

Ketika habis melakukan kesalahan, dan kamu menerima senyuman dari orang yang barusan marah-marah atas ketololan kamu, senyuman itu jadi luar biasa rasanya.

Ketika kata-kata tak lagi mampu menyampaikan makna yang dibentuk di benakmu, tatapan mata ke mata dan sebuah senyuman bisa sangat berarti. Ia menggantikan percakapan yang tak bisa tersampaikan, ia menggantikan perasaaan-perasaan yang ditekan, dan ia juga memberi kesempatan untuk berkomunikasi dalam diam. (Entah apakah maksud dari masing-masing pihak dapat diterima dengan jelas oleh pihak lainnya. Bahkan saat berkata-katapun orang bisa saling tidak mengerti.)

Tersenyumlah, dan dunia akan tersenyum bersamamu.

Hidupku terlalu indah untuk tidak dinikmati

Wake up and smell the coffee!!

I can just feel it: the sweet smell of coffee brewing, floating and finding its way to my nostril. I inhale deeply, feel it filling up my senses.

It revokes in me a sense of calmness, of gentle awakening.

Nurse a cup of freshly brewed coffee in your palms, feel the warmth, catch the floating fragrance. Mmmhhhh...... piece of heaven in your palms.

So, like my dear brother said: MY LIFE IS TOO BEAUTIFUL NOT TO BE ENJOYED.

Live, love, laugh.

Peace be with you.

BLAST!

There was another big blast ripped thru this city again, this time just outside the Australian Embassy.

My friend this morning asked: what did they (the bombers) think? Didn't they think about their family? How are they going to live? Who's gonna feed them?

To that I answered: they weren't thinking. They have stopped thinking. If they were thinking, they would not do it. They have stopped having heart, have feeling, have whatever that is that make them human. They are not 'man' anymore.

This time, I want to weep. Too many already, too much. Too stupid. Live is not to be wasted. And definitely not to be ended in a blast like that. How do you justify that? Ending hopes, dreams, heartbeat, breathing, senses. The loss, the pain, the agony.

Forgive us, God.

sit beside me (2)

Like a small miracle, I found myself seated in a 604-bus on wednesday afternoon just afterwork. It was nearing 6 pm, a very crowded hour in Sudirman, with crowded buses. Somehow, this one bus had lots of remaining seats - soon to be filled, though.

And like zillion times before, the one besides me was the last one to be occupied. So, what was it this time? My short, blonde-highlighted hair? My headphone? The way I look out the window, not paying attention to others? What was it? The "keep off" aura again?

What? Do I really look like someone who live in a separate world (one of my friends did describe me that way: You have a world of your own) - so separate and far away that people feel threatened somehow? Geez.... I won' t hurt you. In fact, I usually give my smile, say thank you and say excuse me all the time.

So, sit beside me, okay? Whether I am wearing my sunglasses or not, whether I have blonde highlight or not, whether I am lost in my music I hear thru that headphone (yup, headphone - not earphone).

I am just one of you, too.

Peace be upon you, fellow humans.

The sun always shines

the sun always shines
no matter how you're feelings
no matter what your moods are

the sun always shines
day in and day out
whether you expect it or not

the sun always shines
and why not be like it?

demolished

how do i apologize for broken heart
shattered, trampled, unmended?

how do i make up for lost dreams
blackened, torn, uncaptured?

how should i stand before you

ridiculed, shaken, beaten?

how would i keep the memory?

etch it on my skin?

let it blown by wind?

...

oh life, of pain
oh love, oh sorrow

high hopes and disappointments
happiness and broken dreams

take them away
these feeling
shut them down
these madness

be still
be silent

cold
dead

gods

Clad in body-hugging costumes, showing their leanness and muscles, those are gods, not human.
Their speed, their power, the height they achieve, their spin, their manouver, their timing, their movement - all are simply AMAZING. I am at lost of words to describe them. The olympians.

The hard works they've put to compete, let alone win....

Gods and godesses.

pencil-skirted woman

don't ask me for a runnin'
cos it may make me fallin'

pencil-skirted woman
keep those knees together

in straight line you're walkin'
strappy shoes and little steppin'

oh, yeah!

quilty as charged

i knew something was not right, from the tone of his voice and from the messages his body told me. he would not respond to my touch, and kept conversation minimum.

we slept in silence, drove in silence, only to be broken by this one sentence:
jangan pulang malam lagi
i mumbled a 'ya', with a slight nod, not daring to say: i actually cannot promise that, dear

i sms-ed him and told him i was sorry to disappoint him again
not telling the truth that this will not be the last time

grumbling father, working mother
children with absentee parents

Peugeot 206

It's curvaveous, with not a single corner in sight.
In metalic blue, red lights that look like eyes slanting at you,
it's a perfection of curves.

Not a single item in Peugeot 206 has sharp corner on it.
It's so fluid and kind.

Okay, I've never been in one let alone driven one.
But whoever comes up with such design, I salute you.

Amun Ra

the sun god, as the ancient egyptians called him
why god?
it's magnificent, shining, awesome, enourmous, and holds live in its rays

the sun shines
the sun burns
the sun brings warmth
the sun brings death

the sun lightens up your mind
no sun, your mind goes boink

close your eyes and see sun: those red dots hanging on you eyelids
close your eyes and feel sun: the warmth on your check, on your back
close your eyes and shun sun: that glaring ray that spells migrain to you

oh greatness, one that GOD creates

Jendela

tidak pernah aku berpikir tentang jendela, ataupun meresapi keberadaanya, sampai ketika aku dan suamiku berniat untuk membangun rumah dan memanggil arsitek untuk menggambarkan impian kami.

jendela
jendela seperti apa yang aku inginkan (suamiku tak terlalu peduli tentang hal itu, selama rumah itu ada jendelanya, hal itu sudah cukup)
dan sekarang, dalam perjalanan, aku selalu memandang keluar dari kendaraan dan mengamati jendela2 rumah2 yang kulalui

apa pentingnya jendela bagi sebuah rumah? apakah ia sekedar jalan masuk bagi cahaya dan juga udara - jika kita membiarkannya terbuka, atau lebih dari itu? ia tentu berpengaruh bagi tampak suatu rumah, dan juga mungkin bisa menunjukkan prestise dilihat dari desain dan bahannya.

apa cuma itu? lalu kenapa aku jadi repot dengannya?

dari jendela aku bisa melihat dunia, dari jendela aku mendapat cahaya, dari jendela yang terbuka lebar aku merasakan belaian angin padaku
jendela adalah pintu yang tak perlu dilewati - ia diam saja dan membentangkan dunia

jendela memberiku pandangan akan langit: langit yang tak berbatas, langit yang luas, langit yang bebas dan sendirian

melalui jendela aku bernafas dan dengan jendela yang terbuka aku tahu bahwa aku bebas
bahkan dalam diam dan tanpa perlu melewati apa-apa

pain

let me share something about pain
cause i know something about it
though 'tis not the ultimate
nor it is the most unbearable

let me share something about pain
of growing up as a woman
not about psychological pain
cause if it's about that
one cannot stop arguing

let me share something about
physical pain
of growing up a woman:

budding breasts
depicted in romantic ways
as petals of roses blooming
are just as sensitive to the touch:
they hurt

first sign of womanhood, the menstruation
may not hurt the first time
but sure causes lots of discomforts afterwards
if not downright pain
(mine used to hurt so much i had to sit down
or lie down, or else i would faint)

woman the sexual partner
it hurts the first time
when your hymen was still intact
and blood dripping when it's ripped
it hurts again when there's not enough lubrication
it hurts when you're not in the mood

the ultimate proof of motherhood - bearing child(ren)
giving birth requires tremendous strength
risky both to infant and mother
and though it's been done millions of years
it still kills sometimes
no matter the amount of sedative you have
knocking you out in the process
it still hurt afterward

woman as mammal, the nursing mother:
it hurts to nurse the first time
it hurts to nurse when you got cracked nipples
it hurts NOT to nurse when your breast are too full of milk

when the body stops being a woman
when the uterus no longer prepares itself to borne an infant
and hormone level dives
they say it hurts, too
(i have yet to experience that)

so that's my experience with pain
and let me face those who say
women are weak

Cinta

ia berbaring di sampingku
matanya memandangku
dan bertanya:
apakah kamu cinta betul padaku?

aku menjawabnya
dengan senyuman
dan satu kata:
iya

lalu aku balik bertanya
kenapa ia bertanya begitu
padaku
sambil menatap matanya

tidak ada lagi kata-kata setelah itu
aku berkedip
ia memandangku
ia berkedip
dan aku ganti memandangnya

Tentang Aku

Memandang hidupku di saat aku beranjak dewasa, aku suka malu pada diriku sendiri. Aku amat egois, kejam dan dingin. Seseorang pernah memperdengarkan lagu padaku, dan bilang: 'lagu ini mengingatkan aku padamu. Judulnya My Ruthless Queen.' Dan pada saat itu aku senang2 saja, lebih baik jadi orang kejam daripada jadi orang biasa.

Jadi orang biasa. Aku punya pandangan yang kontradiktif tentang hal ini. Hampir sepanjang hidupku aku merasa bahwa aku biasa2 saja, tidak cantik, tidak cukup pintar / cerdik, dan tidak istimewa. Tapi di saat yang sama aku berpikir bahwa aku orang yang berbeda, yang lain daripada yang lain. Dan aku menolak untuk jadi 'orang kebanyakan'. Aku terlalu tinggi untuk jadi orang kebanyakan. Dan ketika aku melihat atau bertemu dengan orang yang aku pandang lebih tinggi dari aku, aku langsung ngeper.

Ngeper. Hal ini juga yang sering banget aku rasakan. Dan hal ini juga menimbulkan reaksi yang kontradiktif pada diriku. Orang yang ngeper - gak pede, takut salah, dll - mungkin gak umumnya malah jadi berani tampil beda, punya prinsip sendiri, menentang arus, dan bertindak semaunya. Orang2 di sekitarku gak pernah tahu bahwa aku punya masalah dengan rasa pede: aku tidak pede. Karena penampilanku yang beda dan yakin tadi, mereka pikir aku oke2 aja. Aku TIDAK oke.

Aku juga amat pemarah. Kemarahan yang mudah tersulut, meledak hebat, dan sukar padam. Entah kenapa. Dan kalo aku sedang berpikir, aku gak bisa menemukan apa pun yang salah dalam hidupku sehingga aku bisa sedemikian pemarah.

Sekarang aku sudah melalui hampir semua dari hal di atas. Aku rasa aku sekarang sudah tidak lagi terlalu kejam atau dingin. Aku masih egois, yup. Aku masih menentang arus, cuek, punya prinsip sendiri, masih pemarah (aku sudah berusaha sungguh2 untuk memperpanjang sumbunya, mengurangi ledakannya, dan cepat2 menghilangkan efeknya), dan masih juga punya masalah dengan pede. Tapi khusus satu hal yang terakhir ini, aku punya pandangan yang baru: aku sudah sampai pada umur di mana (pada umumnya) aku tahu apa yang aku mau, aku tahu apa yang aku bisa, aku tahu gimana harus bertindak. Aku gak harus kehilangan diriku, gak harus berubah, aku tetap bisa jadi aku yang berbeda, tapi juga tidak perlu kejam lagi. Setiap orang itu unik. Setiap orang itu datang dengan bakat dan kemampuannya masing-masing. Setiap orang punya bentuk dan warnanya sendiri-sendiri.

Kalau aku berubah, itu karena aku memang mau dan merasa perlu berubah. Bukan karena aku takut menjadi AKU.

Ada hal tentang aku yang belum berubah: aku susah berteman. Aku hanya bisa berteman dengan sistem one-on-one. Kelompok merupakan beban, mungkin karena toleransiku yang minim, egoisme / individualisme yang tinggi, dan 'sisi2ku' yang sulit ditempatkan pada 'sisi2' mereka. Dan aku berpikir hidupku sudah cukup berarti jika ada seseorang yang menanggapku betul2 berarti bagi dirinya. Banyak teman memang berarti akan banyak pertolongan. Tapi mungkin orang juga gak butuh sekian banyak pertolongan. Cukup untuk hal2 yang penting2 saja.

(to be continued)

Memory

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to choose what memories to store in your head (and the sensation that came with them in your heart)? Wouldn't it be nice to have directories in you mind, where you can store files of your choosing, delete them at will, open them when you feel like to, or just ignore them for eternity?
 
Wouldn't it be nice to never forget birthdays, anniversarys, your loved ones statistics, your health history, but be able to forget hard feelings? Wouldn't it be nice to be able to collect those feelings, put them in one place and just send them to oblivion?
 
How do you rule your mind - and your heart? How do you extract all those informations that have been stored from the moment you cried your first cry until today - many many years afterwards? To not forget - but yet to forget.
 
Don't carry your memory like an excess bagage. But what to do when they just show themself in front of you and give you back all those forgotten feelings? Nice ones are just fine to re-live. But upleasant ones you wish to erase from your life?
 
Let bygone be bygone. Yeah.
 
 

nothing

nothing, just jumble of thoughts running in my mind, getting away before i could catch them

nothing, just madness, colors, sparkles, explosions, slivers of images, not one making sense

hush.........

Toothfairy

Toothfairy decided to break my tooth last monday, while I was having an enjoyable lunch of soto mie. She left me with a gap in my mouth, and part of tooth that looks like stalagmyte (or stalagtyte?).

I seek another toothfairy help for restoring my smile. And she did. It cost me two visits and a million humble rupiahs.

His eyes

His eyes
locked on mine
with sparklings
from something deep
inside

love
of our 8 years marriage
of time before that

love
flowing now in his blood
beating with his heart

love
that smiles at me
and sees me
thru
his eyes


(kiki, i love you)

Joy of a friend

I have a female friend, a colleague I've been working for more that eight years. Somehow, we got so close......it hurts not to talk to each other even for a day. Sometimes we call each other: yo, my twin sister! Our brainwaives are so connected at times that we can communicate simply by staring at each other. Cool heh?

I just have hearty laughings with her my stomach and cheecks become sore. Gosh...... the joy to have someone to share so much fun, simply by talking.

Thanks Uciek, for being such a joy.

Easter Bunny

My brother said:

True friendship between an adult male and and adult female is like easter bunny: it doesn't exist.

No need to explain

You don't need an explanation for everything.
There are such things as miracles,
events for which there are no ready explanations.

- as quoted by my friend Komar -

Never argue with a three-years old

A routine conversation:

= So, Has, which one do you want to wear? Finding Nemo shirt and shorts or the bear?

+ Ma, the shorts and shirt are for playing, right?

= Yes, honey.

+ If we have taken our bath, we can wear them, right?

= Ya, honey. That's correct.

+ I want to wear my pajamas.

= Honey, pajamas is for sleeping. Not for playing. We can wear that later. So which one do you want? The bear? Nemo?

+ I want my pajamas

= Your pajamas are not yet dry. They are still hanging on the clothesline. So Nemo, is it?

+ I WANT MY PA JA MAS!

= Look, you have so many other clothes in the closet. Pick one. The pajamas are not yet dry.

+ MY PAJAMAS!!!

= Has, please.... look, this one has mickey on it. Or do you want one with the flower?

+ PA JA MAS!! WHOAAAAAA.......

And so it ended, this argument. She remained naked for the rest of the afternoon, refusing to wear anything but her pajamas. Once they are dry, she wore it.

You just can't win an argument with your three years old.

Soul

to fly, to float, nothing holding me back
to reach the sky, be as light as air
to not feel anything, yet be content
to stop want anything and just be a soul
living, throbing, shining
a distant star
eternal

Wrong!

This is one of those days when things seem so wrong. My feeling was wrong, the taksi I rode in was wrong, the cake I ordered for my daughter's birthday may not be the one she wants, and my desk at the office had a feeling of resistance in it.

Hope things will be right in the end.

Life is good

I started today feeling good. Life is good, today is good.

My life has been beautiful to me. Life has been kind to me. A loving husband, three beautiful daughters, caring parents, and a bunch of brothers along with their families. Stable work, nice boss, colleagues that may not understand me but leave me alone in the end, some close friends (so close I'm addicted to them). It's simply complete.

We haven't got our own home yet, but with God's willing, and our serious intention, we'll get it. Pretty soon.

When you are feeling good, everything looks good. All the colors you see, all the sights, the fragrances, even people. Grumpy friends don't look so grumpy anymore. My cluttered desk seems just okay. Life is to smile about today.

Hope this feeling lingers, on and on. So I may see life as it is: beautiful.

New Day

Today is a new day.

I think it's a blessing to be able to feel that, that today is a new day, not just any other day in the calendar. It shows that our hearts can still feel, that we're not yet lost in the grind of everyday's life. That whatever happened before, we can still look forward to something better, something 'gooder'.

So today is a new day. New things will be done, new feelings arise. Problems will be there, along with their solutions. Something different will happen, no matter how subtle.

Have a nice new day, dear friends.

Set them free?

If you love someone, set them free....

So the music says. Can you do that, really? Can you love without being somewhat possesive? What does it mean to love? Does it to also own?

No more redhead

Ok, no more red head today, despite the name Sapobi which means exactly that.

I've hightlighted my hair BLONDE. Bleached'em, alright. Honestly, I'm a bit anxious of what people would think. But again, it's my life. Any comment welcome, but it's my head in the end.

Love y'all. Everyday and twice on Sundays.

Falling in love

How many times do you think a person can fall in love in his/her entire life? And to fall in love with the same person?

You may love someone for so many years, but to fall again? What does it mean? I guess it's the sparks, the beats that you feel in your heart - which are different that what you feel normally.

I guess I fall in love again with my hubby of eigth years. To look at him and feel so..... warm. To feel "that" again. It's a blessing, really.

Hope you can have it, too.

Disconnected

Our office connection would be down starting noon today. Many applications would be disabled as they required either internet or intranet connection. Thus I will be disconnected with the whole wide world out there starting 12.00 today.

Funny how this thing we call computers have so great an impact in our life. At leat, working life.

So there is the chance to do manual works, like cleaning up the desk, filing, or - well, we can still use the comp for typing and things like that.

Have a jolly good day my friends. Connected or diconnected.

Questions

What to do when you don't know what to do? That something presents itself out of nowhere and somehow makes you feel trapped? What to do when the thing you thought you'd like to have appears in front of you and suddenly you don't know whether you still want it or not?

Live is about making choices, so I believe. Choices choices choices... so many of them, from the most subtle to the most extreme. I think one can only hope that whatever choice one makes, it would be the best one that could bring better situation. You always loose some and win some. We hope with our heart that whatever we choose would give us more rather than make us loose.

The choice is yours.

Things I want to do

These are some things I want to do, some seriously, some just 'dreams':

1. sky dive (tandem would be fine)
2. play the violin
3. learn spanish
4. learn japanese
5. enjoy cooking (at present, I simply hate cooking)
6. be able to fly / float
7. have a library, open for public
8. be my daughters' buddy
9. publish my writings
10. be a translator / interpreter
11. learn painting
12. two weeks vacation in England
13. go to Russia
14. have spike hair and color it

that's all I can think of now.

Enjoy life, carpe diem.