Monday, December 11

one word one day

I'll do that, in 2007, to post my thought, no matter how short or small or irrelevance or mundane or insignificant. I'll post them in my diary. I have even bought a diary with one-day entry per page (except for Saturday - Sunday which each has half the page). If this gonna compete with what I post here... well... pretty sorry for that. Even as I write this, this blog already competes with my other in the friendster. At least there I have certain 'fans'.

So that's it. My new New Year Resolution. Last year's stays and will be continued to year 2007: be happy no matter what.

See you.

Friday, September 1

the heee heee

dun know exactly what to write today, but feel a bit guilty noting that it's been a month since my last entry in this blog. well, i once said that i am addicted to blogging, right? the heee heee... could be wrong. but then again, i have another blog, in friendster, and it has seen more entries than this one. and again, who's reading this anyway?

a blog is sometimes a very selfish way of expressing self. rather ashamed to admit that finally i want my blog to be read. someone like me? hah! always swayed between opening up and keeping things to myself. have yet to decide which way to go. this blog is a good example of that: opening up but then hiding. you don't know the real me, do you? nope. some does.

again, who's reading this anyway? just a useless rambling of my own dissatisfaction with what i have today, which i should not be complaining about anyway.

oh.. grow up! please.

the heee heee... sometimes all i can do is grinning at my own foolishness. so unwise, me.

Thursday, July 27

How come somene packs so many angers inside?

Yep. How come? There's nothing to be trully angry about. The life was good, has been good, and is still good. Loving family, nice place to stay though not yet owned, relatively nice job, relatively nothing wrong in the 'look' department, nothing lacking in the brain department either.

So, again, how come?

How come someone with practically nothing wrong in her life has so many angers inside her?

It really saddens me that my best friend told me that I am now the angriest person she knows. That I've become a really 'enter at your own risk' person. That I am so curt and snappy. Hhmmmm...

I thought I've shed that in the span of two and a half years that I see as my emotional evolution. Seems like everything is back to where it started: this killer lady with sharp tongue.

I dont' like that part in me anymore. Truth be told, I enjoyed being so fiery when I was younger, but not anymore. It does no one any good. I don't want to be rememberd as a dragon lady. No... So what's wrong now? What opens that box of explosive?

Could someone find the answer, coz I fail to find one.

Tuesday, July 18

Is God still smiling?

I wrote once, and thought almost every day, that God is smiling upon Indonesia. The country so lush and abundant with natural resources, which is situated in the most beatiful spot on earth (yeah, the equator: the forever summer and eternal sunshine), inhabitated by people who have unshakenable faith in their Supreme Being, but unfortunately led by bunch of people with questionable mores and dignities. Those bunch has lead my beloved country to what it is: impoverished, under developed, corrupt, and disintegrating. But enough about those bunch.

What bugs me is whether God, who had so kindly created this country with smile is still smiling today. Just read the headlines. So many natural disasters. Some as effect of man-made mismanagement of nature, we must admit, but nevertheless, what we've seen is a disaster that is relentless. Unstoppable. And in scale that makes me think how small indeed we are in this universe.

God is the Almighty.

Thursday, July 13

One on one friendship

In a job interview I took about two years ago, the interviewer gave me illustration to pick that represent the way I interact with people. I chose one-on-one interaction.
Yes, that's the way I interact with people. I am not good in group situation. I got lost in them. And I have little tolerance for the grop dynamics: the waiting, the fit-in, the listening to so much going on at one time.
(Though sometimes when I was caught in such dynamics, I found it quite amusing)

I am an intense person. When I communicate, it would be intensely. I can only be intense when I have single audience. That's why I am a one-on-one person. That's why my friendship pattern is like that, too.

Sometimes I envy those who have pictures of them with their groups smiling. So close, so connected, so 'packed'. I don't have such picture. There would only be two of us. Most of my friendship even goes beyond photographing, coz I can only predict what my hubby would think of me and a male friend smiling in a picture. Not a pretty sight for him.

Envy put aside, I am actually amazed at those who maintain so many relations. The ability eludes me. There's this mechanism of automatic shut down that I have when I am confronted with group. I would recoil, and make myself invisible. Merely a spectator. Not an actor. And go home with regret, of why I hide myself so.

I cannot understand my own phsycology, sometimes. So contradictive, so inconsistent. Those who know me think I am a confident person. I am not. They think I am brave and strong. I am not. You know what? I go through life with not much thinking. It's like shoot first, ask later.

At least I survived so far.

Have a nice life, friends.

Friday, July 7

The Universalitiy of God

keTuhanan yang Maha Esa
masih ingat itu?

bahwa negara menjamin kemerdekaan tiap2 penduduk untuk memeluk agamanya masing2 dan beribadat menurut agamanya itu? dan kepercayaannya, bahkan.

tapi ternyata idup, dan manusia yang menjalaninya, gak mau sesimpel itu. sesuatu yang seharusnya sederhana, malah jadi ribet ke-mana2.

kepercayaan, agama, jadi suatu hal yang membuat kita, individu per individu, berbeda. dan nilai2 yang dianut dan diajarkan tiap2 agama, yang dipercaya, membuat kita satu sama lain bertentangan.

aku gak suka itu.

kayaknya kita lupa bahwa gimanapun juga, kita melihat pada satu Tuhan. ato hal ini juga merupakan pertentangan? mungkin orang merasa bahwa lain agama / kepercayaan berarti lain Tuhan?

yang aku percaya, Tuhan itu universal. mo pake bahasa apapun, mo dalam keadaan apapun, mo pake jalur manapun, mo percaya agama apapun, mo gak percaya agama juga...cuma ada satu Tuhan di dunia ini.

jadi, kenapa dibuat susah sih?

Wednesday, June 14

By oneself

By oneself, indeed, is evil done; by oneself is one defiled.
By oneself is evil left undone; by oneself, indeed, is one purified.
Purity and impurity depend on oneself.
No one purifies another.

(Dhammapada v. 165)

Monday, June 12

Pauses

What's there to intrepre t in pauses? That sudden drop in conversation? That unexpected silence bounced off the chat window?

How do you get into other's mind?

Uneasy silence hangs in the air
its meaning lingers like dust
there for a second
blown by wind the next
lost forever

Wednesday, June 7

TODAY

Today I woke up with pain in my stomach and overall discomfort. It's my period and seemed that my body had not yet decided whether to give me the usual pain in my stomach or spinning headache.

Today I went with my hubby driving me to the office. We were pretty silent. Listening to the joke on the radio together, but apart from that.. not much.

Today work was just okay. Nothing special, nothing shocking. Just found out that you have to format your CDRW if you want to burn it. No wonder yesterday I coulndn't.

Today I spent almost all my working day editing and writing, which I do like very much. Mood permitting.

Today I had my lunch on my desk, thawing yesterday's lunch I brought from home. Yesterday was a working lunch and I forgot.

Today I asked my friend for a game of otthelo, whether he'd like it or not, whether he played it or not. He never had.

Today I chatted with my single friend about marriage life.

Today was just another ordinary day that come my way.

Not so.

I am tired in my heart for reason I cannot say. I am tired in my body because of my period. I am tired in my mind coz am a bit bored with my work in general.
And there's this shadow lingering over me that say: things are not what they seem.... there are hidden things that you cannot see, you cannot touch, but somehow you know they are there.. but you have no idea how to reach them

Today I am gonna go home after this blog and pondering...
What was actually happened today?

Thursday, June 1

What you can do in ONE MINUTE

  • Mini meditate: breath in slowly, breath out slowly
  • Watch 3 TV commercial breaks
  • Brush your teeth in a rush
  • Cross the street
  • Do your Kegel exercise
  • Finish up a cup of coffee, not steaming, of course
  • Do absolutely nothing
  • SMSing your friend
  • Do some sit ups (if you wanna)
  • Stretch.....
  • Scan thru a reading
  • Copy and paste in your comp
  • Unconciously munching on a cookie, not realizing the calory + fat + sugar
  • Looking at the clock and realize that one minute could actually be sooooooo long

My favorite one (or two) liners

The truth... has a mysterious way to find day light.
Horatio Caine, CSI Miami

Life is too short, why bother
My brother in his blog

If you want to be happy, be!
My mother

Money is not the key to happines, but if you have it, you may create your own key.
forgot who said that....

You can never own a person.. you can never own his dreams, his thoughts, his feelings, his desires..
They are his alone... and it's up to him to share it with you
My own

It is not what you feel inside, it's what you do that defines you
Batman Begins

Every death is certain
Kingdom of Heaven

Evidence never lie
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Monday, May 22

Blood

Feel the warmth of this living fluid
The sweet smell, sickening
The taste, salty
Red, dark, sticky

What's there in blood?

It's your life, running through your vein
It's your ancestor, carried inside your being
It's your soul, gushing within your consiousness

Drink my blood, oh lord
to you, my life
and me, my death

Friday, May 19

Mangkok Putih - review

Been a while since the last time I sat together with my hubby and have a date. Around a week or two ago, found the time to sneak out at lunch and dated. We went to Mangkok Putih in Setiabudi One. For those who are as 'underdeveloped' as I am in the field of hanging out in Jakarta, Setiabudi One is an office complex turned into entertainment center: lots of resto, cafes, a 21 Cinema. Nice place.

At the resto my hubby had Mango salad, Duck noodle and Vietnam coffee while I had Penang kwetiaw and Thai tea. They live up to the price. The Mango salad was quite a surpise, in term of size, presentation and taste. Mango, shrimp, doused in Bangkok sambal. Yummy... The duck noodle was really good for relief from blocked nasal, trully. Hot, fragrant, steaming... and tasted nice. Penang kwetiaw was nice, too. A bit of crushed peanuts, dried chilly, and shrimps.

All in all, nice. Pretty crowded place at lunch time, with people even standing, waiting for vacant tables.

At 115 thou for all of that, money well spent.

- Sapobi -

Tuesday, May 16

What 15 years have brought us....

Reunion. This is just like my hubby's blog entry. 15 years passed. People go their separate ways.
One day - reunion. This was in Setiabudi One, Ta' Wan restaurant, lunch hour, Friday 12 May 2006.

What 15 years have brought us?

Female 1-
married for several months. Divorced. I never got the confirmation, just a story passed by another female. Her weight reached 62kgs at one point, lose it to the georgeous 43 she is now. Colored hair, colored contact lenses. Ex-smoker. Pay hefty for the form she is now. Determined to keep it. Lots of 'prospects' (ie male compatriates), one possible serious material. Would go to France to see his family. Just finished touring Europe. Just finished going around the world and Bali. Still single at this moment. Doing great at work.

Female 2-
single. Never married. Has a gallery, co-owned (?) with boyfriend. Boyfriend.... not husband material. Been wiht him 3 years. Now looking for a husband material. Got a possible 'hit' from an oldflame, an English. Dont' know how to proceed. Gained a bit during 15 years, but still slim. Wears no makeup, just like old days. Hauling her laptop.

Female 3-
single. Never married. Just finished touring Europe with Female 1. No "prospects". Still the way she was, a bit chubby on the cheeks. Still the same personality: nice.. super nice.... She was the one that 'glued' us this time.
Doing just fine at work.

Female 4-
Married to a Frenchman. Live just outside Toulousse. Married for about 5 years. No kid yet. Pack a bit of weight, but still slim. Truly slim.

Female 5-
Married for 10 years. Have 4 daughters. Still holding the same job she entered 10 years ago. Still living with her parents. Work is okay, though a bit of salary adjustment would make things brightier. Have packed and shed pounds. Friends said looked just like the old days. They couldn't see the fat I carry around, of course. Wears no makeup, just lipstick.

Female 6-
not present. Just her story: married, got divorced. No kid. Re-married and now live in London. No kid. Bule has always been her choice.

Have a nice live, mes amies.

/Sapobi

Thursday, April 13

This is one of those days......

Lack of sleep? Worry about something? Too many thoughts running in my mind? Celestial formation not in tune? Pre-menstrual syndrome?

This is one of those days when a lot of things doesn't seem right. My head is hurting, a migraine brewing, my eyes heavy, my mood - simply blah. Just finished a cup of milo while chatting to a colleague - which should've helped but not, want to grab a cup of capuccino but think about what that would do to my stomach.

I have my headphone blasting Gwen Stefani - Hollaback girl. Just anything to keep my spirit floating. But a crash is looming. Several laps in a pool would do a lot of good, I believe, but when? How? Where? Not bound to office with lots of things to finish up before tomorrow's holiday like this. Already thought of going home with works to do in the weekend. Not fun. Definitely not.

Been wanting to take my eldest to see Ice Age2 in the cinema. Come to think of it, she has never been to a cinema before. And been wanting to have my hair a new hair cut. Been wanting to go to spa and have a full body massage - with incense burning, dimmed light, soft music of water running. HAH! Been wanting to have glorius sex with my hubby without interruption and total abandon. Yeah... right.

I can go on and on and on and on with this and kill myself in the process.

STOP!

It's time to live, smile and (pretend to) be happy. NO MATTER WHAT.

Well, thanks, blog.

Wednesday, April 12

Jealousy - love or insecurity?

I just read this sentence moments ago: jealousy does not show how much we love someone but rather how insecure we are.

Is it?

Timed farewell

My aunt has cancer, and she is in the losing battle against it. For at least a month now, she has been lying in bed with oxygen mask and cathether. She no longer moves around and bed-ridden. Truth be told, her days are numbered.

I told her condition to my boss (ex-boss, that is), who is a doctor and has lost his father to cancer. He said that aren't we all gonna end someday? In a sense, people who is terminally ill, and whose end seems to be near, are lucky, he said. Their loved ones are prepared for their departure, and are given the chance to "finish up", to mend hard feelings, to apologize for past's wrong-doings, and plan for what's next, and so on. And the cycle of shock, anger, denial and acceptance / resignation can be fully experienced, in a relatively proper timing. Those who lost people they love without notice can be having far more harder time.

We will have our ends, someday. Perhaps it would be wise to not hurt anybody else's heart so that when death meets us without notice, those we leave behind would not have to mend broken things on our behalf.

If you love someone, say it, now. If you're sorry about something, say it, now. If you want to do something in your live, do it, now.

Today is a present. A gift. Don't throw it away.

Thursday, March 23

How I can be happy and angry at the same time

I have problem with my temper, it's nothing to hide - it's too obvious to hide. So admitting it is no problem. The problem is handling it. To always keep it in check, to always supress it. I guess many things have went wrong in my life just because of that: I have problem controlling my temper.

I just admitted that to my boss yesterday. So that he won't be surprised, and so that he has the closest to truth picture of me.

But one question, or statement he told me bugged me: he said to me to try to be happy. Well, I AM HAPPY. I have no reason to be otherwise. My life is good, I feel good about myself (except for that one problem), I have a husband who loves me dearly, I have close friends who accept me for who and what I am - temper or no temper -, I am basically a smart person with magic memory that works like teflon (nothing sticks). I told him that I AM HAPPY. He seemed to have problem accepting that I can be both happy and angry at the same time.

My happiness is a wholeness I feel in my life. It's like a climate. We live here, the tropics. It's basically sunny and humid all year for all, except for the monsoon season. But once the rain stops, the climate goes back to that: sunny, hot and humid.

My anger is the weather, my happiness is the climate. No matter how torrential the rain is, the climate doesn't change, does it? Well, reading the news on global warming and all you know that climate DO change, but in a sloooooow and very evolutionary way. Not something that you would have in a day or so.

So.. no matter how explosive my anger is, and no matter how long it lingers, I am happy. It's as simple as that. Perhaps it's not easy to understand that. Perhaps we are used to the notion that happy people smiles all the time, happy people dont' worry about things they cannot control, happy people have their emotions in check. Well, look at me and you know there's different type of happy people.

And to seriously ask: what constitute happiness? To me it's the general feeling of content. With yourself, with your life, with your family, with the people you are with, with your work, with what you have materially, with what you feel inside, with your relation to the Supreme Being, and lots of other things. I am generally and basically content with every single one of those items. I am. Trully. Perhaps you can't see that thru my temper?

Okay. That's serious. But then again, perhaps not. My husband stated in his testimonial not to judge me by my cover. You just have to see beyond that.

Life is beautiful. It's too beautiful to pass up. Believe me.

Thursday, March 16

Every death is certain

Indeed. We will die in the end, all of us. Not one of us can escape from such certainty. And as we are continue living today, what lies there beyond death is a mystery.

Some people believe in heaven and hell, that what we do while we are living would be weighed, and the balance of goodness versus bad would decide where we'll go. Just in case it's hell, then how our sins weigh would decide also how long and how bad our stay in hell will be.

Some people believe in salvation. That when you have faith in Him, you are saved.

Some people believe in reincarnation. That souls are re-cycled, that your core are being used and used and used until it reach its most pure form: the highest enligthenment.

Some believe when the body die, then that's all there is to it. No more.

For a certainty, death sure leaves us with mixed feelings: wonder, fear, assurance, peace, or, on the other hand, defiance. It's not easy not knowing what lies ahead once your heart stop beating and your whatever it is in you brain stop ticking.

Today is a present. To live today is a blessing. Death comes as the end to all of us, and no chosing of how or when.

So live! Today!

("Every death is certain" is taken from a line from the movie Kingdom of Heaven)

Thursday, February 23

Broken Beauty

I am fasicnating by mad people. Their brain works in an amazing way. They see different things that normal people see.

Artists are said to be mad. Or at least on the borderline of madness. I believe they are. To be able to see the beautiful, small, tiny things in this life and to then express them out is simply crazy. Or on the other hand, to be able to see the darkest of things that is hidden away in the beautiful facade is mad indeed. They have to be extra sensitive to be able to capture all the details and the put them out again, either in a canvas, in writings, sclupture, or whatever media they choose.

Even among the mad, there are The Mad. Vincent van Gogh is among them. He is so beautiful and tragic. His art is so vibrant and yet dark. His madness is famous: He cut his own earlobe, he shot himself in the stomach. He lived in a life no other could enter. Even in his time, when being a painter is something exotic (though that didn't not guarantee full stomach), he was an outcast. He spent his last days in an institution.

Have you ever seen his painting? Those strokes... those colors, those impatience slapped onto canvases. Pain is there. Beauty is there.. loneliness... hope... and...simply madness.

His yellow leaped from the canvas and attacked your eyes. It exploded and filled your senses with surprise and temporary numbness. To be able to paint so bright yet never be able to tame his own demons.

He is, to me, a Broken Beauty. Someone so misunderstood, someone so wrong for his time, someone with so many things in his mind - more than his heart and concious can bear.

Monday, February 20

JIRO!

Jiro was a name of a dog, among many, that my childhood bestbuddy Dewi had. In a time when most mothers stayed home and be housewives, Dewi's mother was already working in a bank. And they didn't have maids at home. So when everybody were out working or at school, the house would be empty. Except for those dogs. Except for THAT dog. They only had one dog at a time, actually. But there were some successions of dogs.

They have their dogs trained to be a guard dog: menacing, verocious, and definitely unfriendly to people. Even I, who came to that house so often, almost daily, knew Jiro only by reputation (some shocked newspaper boys or mailman, some badly bitten unwelcomed visitors), and by safe-distanced sight.

For fear of Jiro, we played outside most of the time. But sometimes, we did play inside, with Jiro safely "stored" in one of the rooms. His barks were a nuissance, though. And I kept my guard on every second I was inside that house.

There was an instant when I left my guard down. I walked around the house, my buddy was in the bathroom, and listened to Jiro's barks that were getting scarcier and softer. He had given up barking for that day, I thought.

I was looking at my buddy's study desk, admiring its neatness (something that I cannot accomplish even to this day: neat desk), when I was struck by stillness. Jiro is not barking anymore. And there was this funny feeling at my butt: a soft, warm, breath. I turned my head, and there he was: the mighty, meat-eating Jiro, sniffing my butt.

Time seemed bent after that. Seconds dragged and minutes never came. My buddy still in the bathroom, my fear manifested in that big lump in the throat, my heartbeat so loud I was almost deaf, and that soft, warm, breath from Jiro's nostril on my butt. Below that warm nostril was a mouth full of sharp fangs, trained to bite at a moment's notice and to stay burried in his victim's body until his master called him to stop.

I didn't know what miracle stopped him from doing harm to me. Perhaps he thought my scent as familiar. What I remembered was that I kept as still as I could be, trying with my mightiest not do make any move or sound, and prayed so hard for my buddy to come out. Which she did, and when she did, all I could do was say: Jiro.. so softly. Surprise came to her eyes. Then she understood. She approached her big, cream-fury, Japanese-Husky crossed-bred dog, and pull the necklace and put Jiro back to his room.

I never saw Jiro again. Then I lost contact with the family after they moved to other town. But Jiro is one dog I cannot forget.

Wednesday, February 15

Stabbed

When you stabbed someone, something would be left of it. Wound may heal, but the scar remains. Pain is stored somewhere in your memory.

Friday, February 10

Inky blue sky I saw alone

past midnight
muscle burning
heart beating
body drenched in sweat

a breeze passed
distant voices
thumping in my head

behold the sky
liquid blue ink
no star tonight

closed my eyes
body on the floor
who's there to share?

(i wonder if i dip my finger in that sky
would it stain??

midnigth of feb 4, after the party

Tuesday, January 3

My new year resolution (or lack of it)

It's new year, it's time to reflect on what we have done the previous year and set new hope for the new one.
Naaaahhh.. I don't think so.
First of all, I make no resolution this year. Setting things that you fail miserably over and over again (due to lack of commitment or strong will or whatever it is you can name), simply makes me feel awful. Well, to say out loud that it makes me feel like a failure is rather scary. I don't want to see myself as a failure, and I believe I am not. I just, that: I lack determination. And I don't want to scare myself anymore.
Second, resolution is like a promise: don't make a promise you can't keep. Well, since I don't want to be promise breaker, especially promise I make to myself, I decided to make none. Safe, isnt'? Cowardice, too. Whatever.
So, this is what I'm gonna do: instead of making promise, I'll set myself to try to do things. These are what I'm gonna try:
  • I'll try to be happy in every situation, no matter what (= to see the positive things out of everything)
  • I'll try to be thankful to God, no matter what
  • I'll try to listen more and speak less
  • I'll try (this is really heavy for me, that short-fused lady) more patient
  • I'll try to assume nothing
  • I'll try to be best friends to my kids
  • I'll try to be as honest as possible - not that I am a liar
  • I'll try to spend less for my enjoyment but still enjoy my life with what I've got
  • Would I dare to say that I'll try to be more committed to religion? Guess not yet.. but I won't close the window of posibility. There's still 362 days left of 2006 (provided that God let me live throughout this year, which I surely pray so)

Okay, the list is long enough. Enjoy... dear friends.

LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH