Thursday, July 27

How come somene packs so many angers inside?

Yep. How come? There's nothing to be trully angry about. The life was good, has been good, and is still good. Loving family, nice place to stay though not yet owned, relatively nice job, relatively nothing wrong in the 'look' department, nothing lacking in the brain department either.

So, again, how come?

How come someone with practically nothing wrong in her life has so many angers inside her?

It really saddens me that my best friend told me that I am now the angriest person she knows. That I've become a really 'enter at your own risk' person. That I am so curt and snappy. Hhmmmm...

I thought I've shed that in the span of two and a half years that I see as my emotional evolution. Seems like everything is back to where it started: this killer lady with sharp tongue.

I dont' like that part in me anymore. Truth be told, I enjoyed being so fiery when I was younger, but not anymore. It does no one any good. I don't want to be rememberd as a dragon lady. No... So what's wrong now? What opens that box of explosive?

Could someone find the answer, coz I fail to find one.

Tuesday, July 18

Is God still smiling?

I wrote once, and thought almost every day, that God is smiling upon Indonesia. The country so lush and abundant with natural resources, which is situated in the most beatiful spot on earth (yeah, the equator: the forever summer and eternal sunshine), inhabitated by people who have unshakenable faith in their Supreme Being, but unfortunately led by bunch of people with questionable mores and dignities. Those bunch has lead my beloved country to what it is: impoverished, under developed, corrupt, and disintegrating. But enough about those bunch.

What bugs me is whether God, who had so kindly created this country with smile is still smiling today. Just read the headlines. So many natural disasters. Some as effect of man-made mismanagement of nature, we must admit, but nevertheless, what we've seen is a disaster that is relentless. Unstoppable. And in scale that makes me think how small indeed we are in this universe.

God is the Almighty.

Thursday, July 13

One on one friendship

In a job interview I took about two years ago, the interviewer gave me illustration to pick that represent the way I interact with people. I chose one-on-one interaction.
Yes, that's the way I interact with people. I am not good in group situation. I got lost in them. And I have little tolerance for the grop dynamics: the waiting, the fit-in, the listening to so much going on at one time.
(Though sometimes when I was caught in such dynamics, I found it quite amusing)

I am an intense person. When I communicate, it would be intensely. I can only be intense when I have single audience. That's why I am a one-on-one person. That's why my friendship pattern is like that, too.

Sometimes I envy those who have pictures of them with their groups smiling. So close, so connected, so 'packed'. I don't have such picture. There would only be two of us. Most of my friendship even goes beyond photographing, coz I can only predict what my hubby would think of me and a male friend smiling in a picture. Not a pretty sight for him.

Envy put aside, I am actually amazed at those who maintain so many relations. The ability eludes me. There's this mechanism of automatic shut down that I have when I am confronted with group. I would recoil, and make myself invisible. Merely a spectator. Not an actor. And go home with regret, of why I hide myself so.

I cannot understand my own phsycology, sometimes. So contradictive, so inconsistent. Those who know me think I am a confident person. I am not. They think I am brave and strong. I am not. You know what? I go through life with not much thinking. It's like shoot first, ask later.

At least I survived so far.

Have a nice life, friends.

Friday, July 7

The Universalitiy of God

keTuhanan yang Maha Esa
masih ingat itu?

bahwa negara menjamin kemerdekaan tiap2 penduduk untuk memeluk agamanya masing2 dan beribadat menurut agamanya itu? dan kepercayaannya, bahkan.

tapi ternyata idup, dan manusia yang menjalaninya, gak mau sesimpel itu. sesuatu yang seharusnya sederhana, malah jadi ribet ke-mana2.

kepercayaan, agama, jadi suatu hal yang membuat kita, individu per individu, berbeda. dan nilai2 yang dianut dan diajarkan tiap2 agama, yang dipercaya, membuat kita satu sama lain bertentangan.

aku gak suka itu.

kayaknya kita lupa bahwa gimanapun juga, kita melihat pada satu Tuhan. ato hal ini juga merupakan pertentangan? mungkin orang merasa bahwa lain agama / kepercayaan berarti lain Tuhan?

yang aku percaya, Tuhan itu universal. mo pake bahasa apapun, mo dalam keadaan apapun, mo pake jalur manapun, mo percaya agama apapun, mo gak percaya agama juga...cuma ada satu Tuhan di dunia ini.

jadi, kenapa dibuat susah sih?