This is one of those days......

Lack of sleep? Worry about something? Too many thoughts running in my mind? Celestial formation not in tune? Pre-menstrual syndrome?

This is one of those days when a lot of things doesn't seem right. My head is hurting, a migraine brewing, my eyes heavy, my mood - simply blah. Just finished a cup of milo while chatting to a colleague - which should've helped but not, want to grab a cup of capuccino but think about what that would do to my stomach.

I have my headphone blasting Gwen Stefani - Hollaback girl. Just anything to keep my spirit floating. But a crash is looming. Several laps in a pool would do a lot of good, I believe, but when? How? Where? Not bound to office with lots of things to finish up before tomorrow's holiday like this. Already thought of going home with works to do in the weekend. Not fun. Definitely not.

Been wanting to take my eldest to see Ice Age2 in the cinema. Come to think of it, she has never been to a cinema before. And been wanting to have my hair a new hair cut. Been wanting to go to spa and have a full body massage - with incense burning, dimmed light, soft music of water running. HAH! Been wanting to have glorius sex with my hubby without interruption and total abandon. Yeah... right.

I can go on and on and on and on with this and kill myself in the process.

STOP!

It's time to live, smile and (pretend to) be happy. NO MATTER WHAT.

Well, thanks, blog.

Jealousy - love or insecurity?

I just read this sentence moments ago: jealousy does not show how much we love someone but rather how insecure we are.

Is it?

Timed farewell

My aunt has cancer, and she is in the losing battle against it. For at least a month now, she has been lying in bed with oxygen mask and cathether. She no longer moves around and bed-ridden. Truth be told, her days are numbered.

I told her condition to my boss (ex-boss, that is), who is a doctor and has lost his father to cancer. He said that aren't we all gonna end someday? In a sense, people who is terminally ill, and whose end seems to be near, are lucky, he said. Their loved ones are prepared for their departure, and are given the chance to "finish up", to mend hard feelings, to apologize for past's wrong-doings, and plan for what's next, and so on. And the cycle of shock, anger, denial and acceptance / resignation can be fully experienced, in a relatively proper timing. Those who lost people they love without notice can be having far more harder time.

We will have our ends, someday. Perhaps it would be wise to not hurt anybody else's heart so that when death meets us without notice, those we leave behind would not have to mend broken things on our behalf.

If you love someone, say it, now. If you're sorry about something, say it, now. If you want to do something in your live, do it, now.

Today is a present. A gift. Don't throw it away.

How I can be happy and angry at the same time

I have problem with my temper, it's nothing to hide - it's too obvious to hide. So admitting it is no problem. The problem is handling it. To always keep it in check, to always supress it. I guess many things have went wrong in my life just because of that: I have problem controlling my temper.

I just admitted that to my boss yesterday. So that he won't be surprised, and so that he has the closest to truth picture of me.

But one question, or statement he told me bugged me: he said to me to try to be happy. Well, I AM HAPPY. I have no reason to be otherwise. My life is good, I feel good about myself (except for that one problem), I have a husband who loves me dearly, I have close friends who accept me for who and what I am - temper or no temper -, I am basically a smart person with magic memory that works like teflon (nothing sticks). I told him that I AM HAPPY. He seemed to have problem accepting that I can be both happy and angry at the same time.

My happiness is a wholeness I feel in my life. It's like a climate. We live here, the tropics. It's basically sunny and humid all year for all, except for the monsoon season. But once the rain stops, the climate goes back to that: sunny, hot and humid.

My anger is the weather, my happiness is the climate. No matter how torrential the rain is, the climate doesn't change, does it? Well, reading the news on global warming and all you know that climate DO change, but in a sloooooow and very evolutionary way. Not something that you would have in a day or so.

So.. no matter how explosive my anger is, and no matter how long it lingers, I am happy. It's as simple as that. Perhaps it's not easy to understand that. Perhaps we are used to the notion that happy people smiles all the time, happy people dont' worry about things they cannot control, happy people have their emotions in check. Well, look at me and you know there's different type of happy people.

And to seriously ask: what constitute happiness? To me it's the general feeling of content. With yourself, with your life, with your family, with the people you are with, with your work, with what you have materially, with what you feel inside, with your relation to the Supreme Being, and lots of other things. I am generally and basically content with every single one of those items. I am. Trully. Perhaps you can't see that thru my temper?

Okay. That's serious. But then again, perhaps not. My husband stated in his testimonial not to judge me by my cover. You just have to see beyond that.

Life is beautiful. It's too beautiful to pass up. Believe me.

Every death is certain

Indeed. We will die in the end, all of us. Not one of us can escape from such certainty. And as we are continue living today, what lies there beyond death is a mystery.

Some people believe in heaven and hell, that what we do while we are living would be weighed, and the balance of goodness versus bad would decide where we'll go. Just in case it's hell, then how our sins weigh would decide also how long and how bad our stay in hell will be.

Some people believe in salvation. That when you have faith in Him, you are saved.

Some people believe in reincarnation. That souls are re-cycled, that your core are being used and used and used until it reach its most pure form: the highest enligthenment.

Some believe when the body die, then that's all there is to it. No more.

For a certainty, death sure leaves us with mixed feelings: wonder, fear, assurance, peace, or, on the other hand, defiance. It's not easy not knowing what lies ahead once your heart stop beating and your whatever it is in you brain stop ticking.

Today is a present. To live today is a blessing. Death comes as the end to all of us, and no chosing of how or when.

So live! Today!

("Every death is certain" is taken from a line from the movie Kingdom of Heaven)