norwegian woods - the pain, the loss

i just finished reading norwegian wood by haruki murakami.
it gets to me. the prose, the story, the pain, all the losses.
i never imagined that growing up could be so heart breaking.

i could not recall the pain growing up.
not when i was 17 to early 20's
perhaps it was a period too insignificant to me
or perhaps my memory simply failed me

or perhaps, my memory refused to remember
maybe that's why the book gets to me,
coz the loneliness resonates with me

i was never an okay person. i suppose.
i was living in this glass cube, so ever delicate
but you couldn't see me that way, delicate
you saw a fierce young lady, temperamental,
almost fearless, and a bit of a loner
a lady with her own way of thinking, of handling things,
her own way of looking at things
a quite beautiful lady, in fact, oblivious to her own beauty

i grew up thinking myself so ordinary, and yet so out of synch
i get alone by choice, always preferring solitude to crowd
i could only manage small group, when my audience was 2 people, max
more than that, i'd disappear into the back ground.

i was always scared of being wrong, for not being able to conform enough
while at the same time i cling to the uniqueness in me, that i shall bow to no consensus
being with people actually scared me.

so that was it, i guess, the core of me growing up
so insecure, so timid, and yet putting up a brave front
a storm of doubts within, headstrong without
i wonder if i had succeeded in fooling myself more than i fooled people

no one, taking  a look at me, would ever thought for a second
that i lack confidence
but that was who i was growing up
lacking self confidence:
confidence that was fragile like butterfly wings
shattered at the slight of wrong touch, elusive all the times

isn't it good, norwegian wood?

mutant ants

i truly believe those ants in our home are mutants.
need some proofs?

here's some:

1. they can eat through plastic
2. they can eat their way through the rubber insulation of a jar

examples:

• most snacks are packed in plastic bags. more 'modern' snacks may be packed in aluminium paper. so far, the metal ones are found to be intact. but the plastic ones? nope. we put our snacks in a cupboard. those snacks were still neatly and (supposedly) safely contained in their plastic packaging. lo and behold! when we open them, ants were all over the snacks; some package we opened even contained a sort of dust nest. yikes. but awesome as well. in their bid for survival, they've managed to evolve (no, mutate would be a more appropriate word. evolution needs a very long time, mutation does not) from munchers of all things natural to munchers of whatever. let's hope their mutation does not continue to munch all things metal, too. 
• we were content in our thaugt that glass jars with their rubber insulated metal cap are safe from this fascinating creatures. we were so wrong. we opened a jar of peanut butter, neatly contained in glass jar and (supposedly) securely topped with screwed-on rubber insulated metal cap. and there we found ants. swarm of them. happily trodding on the oily surface of peanut butter. close look reveals that there are paths in the rubber insulation where the ants have munched their way. clever creatures!

so, that left us with how to keep our snacks safe from them. lock-n-lock is one way. so now i'm a big fan of their products, and pour whatever snacks that come in plastic bags into them. they are safe. 

for now. 

hope they don't mutate enough to become lock-n-lock munchers. 

'we are ants. resistance is futile'

a vacation called medical leave

nobody wants to get sick. it's sickening to get sick. it's tiring, and definitely uncomfortable.
and for a mega lover of comfort like me, being uncomfortable is enough to make sick sicker.

and yet.. I just 'enjoyed' a long sick leave that felt almost like a holiday. [this was in november, actually]

it started with diarrhea. not a pretty condition - a condition that one would rather hide than tell.
i got it for three days before i saw a doctor. she gave me anti-biotic and diarrhea stopper. it did not work.
after another three day, i saw another doctor, a specialist. he gave me stronger medicine and diarrhea stopper. i was getting worse.
on the third day of this stronger medicine, i started vomiting. i saw that doctor again. i lost 1 kg in 3 days. i was barely eating, and i started to feel cramps in my leg. he told me to be hospitalized.

and thus the medical holiday began. i checked in a VIP room due to the Class 1 was full.
i was hooked on IV drips. bombed with IV-ed heavy medicine. saturated with potent anti-nausea that was used on cancer patient.
going yet another 3 days and i still had them: those nasty diarrhea, vomiting, plus rumbling stomach.

okay, that baffled the doctor. he proposed endoscopy and... (forgot what it's called), as to be able to see the whole of my digestive system. but then, he poked my stomach again. and then we found it: appendicitis.

how funny was that? that lengthy Gastroenteritis turned out to be chronic (and acute) appendicitis.
so, more examination followed, including the 'barium-contrast x-ray' that I avoided. yep, appendicitis it was.
so then i have may laparascopic appendicitis.

how could that be called a holiday?
this is how: coz by staying for 8 days in hospital, i had my escape from the office work. there was a lot of me-time. i am a master of doing nothing, and when i was hospitalized, there were a lot of moments of doing nothing.

okay, honest be told, staying in hospital is no holiday. in holiday, you won't be woken up in the middle of the night to have your dose of medicine, despite it's being put into the IV drips. you don't got poked every day by doctors (yeah, since it was found that i got appendicitis, i was handled by 2 doctors). you don't wake up feeling a mix of emotions as the one next door was literally howling in pain. and you don't get to see people rushing as someone condition worsened and they reeled him into the ICU. nope.

but yeah, there were some perks, too, like the heated operation theater bed, the heated blanket for post-operation, the bed that can electronically be lowered and adjusted, and the choice you were offered for your meals.

and as in all vacation, sometimes you'd rather not know how much you pay in the end. insurance covers some, but not all. cross my fingers i'm not breaking my banks for this.

adab yang tak teraih

saya pikir, dengan makin beragamanya orang, makin bermoral lah manusia, dan makin baiklah akhlaknya

saya salah, rasanya

mesjid yang semakin banyak berdiri, bahkan sepertinya di jakarta setiap RT punya mesjid sendiri, tak juga membuat orang lebih baik. lebih baik bagi saya diartikan dengan lebih menjaga perasaan orang lain, lebih membantu orang lain, lebih bersikap sopan pada orang lain, dan mengakui serta menghormati keberadaan orang lain. orang yang lain dengan mereka, orang yang lain dengan kita.

yang kasat mata adalah toleransi yang menurun, pemaksaan yang meningkat, ancaman2 baik halus maupun terang2an yang makin merajalela, dan moral yang tak juga membaik, serta kesopanan yang luntur.

hal2 sederhana seperti menjaga kebersihan (= menghormati diri sendiri dan orang lain), mengantri dengan baik (= menghargai hak orang yang sudah lebih dulu datang dari kita), mengucapkan terima kasih, meminta maaf, mengucap 'permisi' adalah hal yg tidak cukup seksi untuk diajarkan di mesjid2. tidak glamor, tidak megah. menaati peraturan yang dibuat manusia demi keamanan dan kenyamanan bersama nampaknya tidak menjadi prioritas, peraturan Tuhan saja yang perlu.

apakah lupa bahwa sebelum bertemu Tuhan, kita hidup bersanding dengan sesama?

tentu salah berkata bahwa semua orang seperti itu
tentunya banyak yang betul2 baik dan betul2 apik dalam bersikap
tapi hari ini saya memutuskan pesimis dan berkata: orang2 seperti itu semakin dikit jumlahnya, dan semakin tak terlihat.

dan negeri ini akan semakin tak beradab.

a big kid

some years ago, when my boss was asked to describe me by one of our colleagues in not-so-distant place, he told her: 'she's like a big kid. she talks to people just like that, regardless of who they are'.

i was not sure whether to take it as a compliment or to see it as something that i needed to work on in my personality.

yeah, sure. i still look and behave, perhaps, like a big kid.
i am not quite competent at hiding my feelings, nor to talk 'nicely'.
i show my feelings, and talk my feelings out. no pretense. no icing.

i'm easily got happy or excited about something as easily as i got anxious about something
you don't have to elaborate on the things that make me happy, coz i would just tell you. easy, huh?
same with things i don't like. it's no quiz at all. i'll tell you right away.
don't try to surprise me too much. i'm not too good with pretending i like it when i don't. so the surprise would then be yours. my loving husband, with all his good intentions, is a living testimony to that. bless his nice soul and his endevour to always make me happy.

so it's a puzzle to me why people's relations have to be so complicated
you say things nicely about something while you only mean less than half of it
you put up polite face while your heart is seething and your brain is protesting
you smile at things you don't like and comment as if it's the most facinating things you've ever seen
you make an elaborate paremeter of what makes you happy. you measure your succes, your wealth, how your kids are in school, what your bag (and its brand) is holding.

i just want to be happy. simply happy.
kiddy happy. when i want A and i got A. when I want love and I have love.
when I don't care about what others are having, coz they are not relevant to me.
no, i won't trade that kid in me for anything. coz I am happy.

and the next time you think i'm too frank... well i'm frank.
if you need sugar-laced truth, talk to someone else.

/live happy!